Death is not the biggest fear we have; our biggest fear is taking the risk to
be alive and express what we really are.
- Don Miguel Ruiz-
I think it has finally dawned on me, on both R and I, that this is our new life- one of being settled, of only two weeks holiday a year, of bills and rent and 8 hours of work a day (9 for him). No more big escapes to plan or upcoming adventures to focus on or backpacks to fill, guidebooks to buy, responsibility to avoid. I'm
very glad we are slowing down, but have found that I've got no destination now. I'm a bit lost. I'm someone who needs goals to focus on, to keep myself motivated and inspired. I've had traveling to look forward to ever since I graduated university, so I could avoid deciding on a career track, being responsible for my finances beyond surviving, and avoid paying attention to myself and anything more than my immediate needs. It kept things quite simple, really. Now, since we've actually been at one address for 8 months (the longest I've been in any one place in 8 years!), I feel bombarded by self-doubt about my lack of direction and uncertainty about what life is all about. What is life all about? That question has been in my head a lot lately. My life now is full of routine- going to work, watching our tv shows every week, meeting friends, going for a walk in the morning, trying to decide what to eat and what to do on the weekends. It's also full of love and laughter and plans for the future and a home of our own and waking up together every morning- all of which I am extremely grateful for and so happy to have. We have plans to have children, to become home owners, to do more traveling, to see our families, to get married, to get fit, to give back, to learn new things and be active. But it all feels far away, intangible, unreal. What do I want to feel real right now? What do I need?
I know I'm going to be moving into a new job in the not too distant future- I've reached the end of my rope where I am, so have set a goal to be ready to go elsewhere as soon as R gets his health plan at work in September and I'm covered. But focusing on that scares me- I
loath looking for work, mostly because it requires putting myself out there and making decisions about
what I want. Why is this the hardest thing for me to do? I fear ending up in another job I don't enjoy, being bored still. There's probably a reason why I keep ending up in this position, something I'm meant to be learning. Damn life lessons! What do I want?? Does anyone else have a hard time answering that question? What is holding you back?
5 comments:
This sounds like a big transition -- I never traveled as extensively as you, but I remember the years right after university, of being in my first grownup job, and as that first year wore on, the realization finally coming over me that there weren't any looming changes or big excitements on the horizon -- not even summer break! For several years I couldn't get over the fact that come June, I still had to keep going to work! It was a strange and difficult adjustment to that stable, "grownup" life, and for me it didn't take! I quit to go back to school, to wait tables, and eventually to be my own boss and nap in the middle of the day if I wanted to and wear my pajamas and even work on the couch if I felt like it! I hope you get clarity on finding a great new job, and settling in to this new way of life!
What is life about? Wow - what a question. I find myself wondering the same thing sometimes... I know for sure it's not about "stuff" and accumulating more "things" - at least not for me. I think it's about living passionately each day, even while doing the mundane tasks we must do to simply survive. I find such joy in my friendships at work - not so much in the work itself. I don't know... That's a good question. I think perhaps the answer is different for each one of us. What do you dream of? (& are you afraid of the answer to that question? I can be...) I think that will point you towards some answers.
I'm 10 years behind you, but I have graduation looming less than a year away and I'm starting to feel that crunch (I always over-anticipate things). But I think that the skills you aquire while (I almost typed 'whilst'...dear God I'm becoming British!) traveling will help you so much in the real world. It's all about adaptation and knowing both your goals and your limits. Don't doubt yourself, M, I can already tell what an amazingly capable person you are. xoxo
We ARE kindred spirits!! xoxo
M, except for the extensive traveling...I could have written this post (and still can). I'm beginning to realize, dimly, that maybe we don't HAVE a BIG set destination...maybe it's just all about "skipping rocks", lots of little destinations.
I wish I had good advice. Other than telling you to read "I could do anything, if I knew what it was" by Barbara Sher, I have NO idea what you should do.
Another idea that has been bopping around in my brain lately is trying to really BE PRECISE with my fantasies--what would an ideal life look like, taste like, sound like, be like? And then what is the smallest concrete step I can take to bring it into my life now?
Post a Comment