And in the end,
it's not the years in your life that count.
It's the life in your years.
-Abraham Lincoln-
I have an active mind- one that often runs on for hours and hours, with no direction or goal, fueled by anxiety and fear and curiosity and wonder. "I wonder if..." is one of the things that comes out of my mouth most often, only a bit less than "I'm worried about...". I grew up in a house of anxious parents and I couldn't help but adapt similar thinking. I don't blame them, I just acknowledge that's where it started.
Being in a job where I don't have anything to do but find things to fill my 8 hours gives me lots of time to think- way too much to be healthy, I think. My thoughts spend a lot of time wondering about what I'd like to do with my life, what I'd like to add or remove, what my dreams are, what being a mom will be like, what sort of job am I really looking for, will I just be as unhappy in something else, why I'm so scared to go after something, how to live a settled lifestyle and still be filled with wonder, and on and on and on and on. I often find once I get home at night that I don't know what I did all day, how I got through it without losing my mind. Or maybe I have because I can't remember how I passed the time. I feel like I live with a cloud over my head or in a bubble sometimes. Does anyone else get this sensation? Some days I'm sure if I just let go and let myself really feel what I've been avoiding all day, I'd completely lose it and end up in a heap on the floor- drowning in my frustrations and confusion and anger and fear.
My life is wonderful, I love my life- all aspects except the career side. I'm blessed to be healthy and have a wonderful man who loves me and who I love immensely, a lovely flat that we share, friends all over the world, a family who supports me and is always there when I need them, a beautiful city to live in, a passport full of stamps and the experiences that went with them, an education, a job that pays the bills- I could go on and on. But for some reason, I want more. Is that a bad thing? And it all comes down to a career, a job (it always comes down to this!!)- finding that perfect job, one that I love to go to (most days at least!), where I'm helping people and making a difference and and being creative and feeling productive and useful and vital to something more than making a profit. After reading Megg's post the other day, I can't stop thinking about "why I'm so afraid to be everything I want to be". Why is it so hard to say out loud what my dreams are? After so many years of stuffing 'shoulds' and 'shouldn'ts' and 'aren't good enoughs' and 'isn't the right times' and 'can'ts' and 'it won't works' and any other negative judgements I have thought into my mind, I'm too gun shy to admit what my dreams and wishes are. Every time I think something sounds interesting or worth further investigation, I find a way to squash it and prove to myself it won't work- no matter what it is! My excuse for staying in a job that makes me unhappy is that 'I don't know what I want'- it's such a great cop out isn't it?
After reading a post by Jennifer, about how she is learning to use meditation as a way to be more present and calm her mind, I'm intrigued. I've read Jon Kabat-Zinn, but am wondering if you have any recommendations on resources for learning how to meditate and quiet my mind. For learning how to accept where I am and find the strength to change it. To find what my bravest dreams are. And not be afraid to go after them. I've done it before- I wanted to go to the UK and Australia and I made it happen, I overcame all my fears and did it because it was what I wanted. Why can't I find that again?? I would like to be brave, to make a change that makes me feel better, to believe that I can have a job I enjoy and not feel trapped in the working world only trying to make money to survive. Life to me is about so much more than that, yet that's always been the root of my frustrations with finding a satisfying career- wanting more but accepting less. I should take my own life as an example- I didn't want anymore men in my life who were afraid of my magic, who tried to put me down. The day after I wrote that in my journal, I met R- who allows me to be totally me on a daily basis. I didn't want to just know my own backyard well, I wanted to see the world from a new perspective- traveling changed my life. I was brave then, where has it gone?
3 comments:
"Some days I'm sure if I just let go and let myself really feel what I've been avoiding all day, I'd completely lose it and end up in a heap on the floor- drowning in my frustrations and confusion and anger and fear."
....I can't tell you how many times I read this sentence of yours over and over. It is a real, somewhat strange, comfort to read someone else's words say something so clear and simple that I feel I have been struggling and stumbling around to say. Yes, I get that bubble sensation. I'm in it now. Thanks for your words. For helping me gain perspective, clarity, and a feeling of connection.
Oh to have a passport full of stamps!
I stay in a comfortable yet somewhat dull job - why? Probably fear of the unknown
Oh, girlfriend...I have SOOO been there. I know so well what you mean about being in a job all day and coming home and not really knowing what you did.
What did you do differently, back when you made your travel dreams a reality? Perhaps you are protecting your newfound serenity with your boyfriend and your life? If so...maybe if you found a way to honor that impulse, it would liberate you to go after your new dreams without a fear that you will be dismantling what you most love.
It can be frustrating to be in a position where you ALMOST have it...where you can ALMOST taste it...like a rubik's cube where you only need to make one more side match, but how to do that without disrupting all of the other sides?
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