Brighton Beachboxes, by dogonnit on FlickrIn
Awe
Wonder
Confusion
Who has the answers?
Will I see that I am the one?
Awe
Wonder
Confusion
Who has the answers?
Will I see that I am the one?
I was inspired by Susannah to try the new Fibs for this week's Poetry Thursday. "I wonder" is a phrase I use all the time, to the point that I'm sure it drives other people around me mad!! That seems to be how my brain operates, something my mom does as well- wondering why, how, when, what if, why not, who about everything- constantly curious. I often don't take it farther than just voicing the question, whereas my mom is on the computer right away, trying to find her answers or asking someone else to help her! This week, I'm wondering how I can be more gentle with myself, more accepting. When I was getting on the plane for my first real trip away from home (going to San Francisco for the summer to live with my aunt and uncle), my mom said to me "everything you need, you have inside you". It's something that has stuck with me ever since. Words that give me strength or sometimes haunt me when I'm doubting myself - like last night.
I was having a meltdown, lying in bed, tears on my face, missing my R and wondering why I am always so hard on myself. Why no matter what I do, it is never enough for me, for that part of me who likes to be negative and nag and undermine my intentions. Do you have a part of you like that? I worry about my weight, so I start to exercise more, but of course, it's never enough. I am finding it really hard to be alone all those hours at night, but hide away from making connections with my friends or even being outside around strangers, and then I beat myself up about it. I always find something wrong with whatever efforts I make. And end up back in mental self-sabotage mode, big time. It doesn't help that this week I'm hormonal and adjusting to our change in routine, or that I miss him terribly, or that I'm tired from not sleeping very well. I wouldn't think of treating a friend like this, so how come I allow it with myself? I don't want to feel like this anymore. I am going to find a way to love myself completely and unconditionally, a way to just be in the moment, totally accepting of all of me. What do you do to feel comfortable in your own skin? To love yourself unconditionally? How do you stop doubting and just be?
I don't mean to be down, just one of those weeks I think. I want a quick fix, but I know that isn't possible. Who would've thought learning to love myself would be the hardest lesson I had to learn.
5 comments:
Oh M. I know how you feel as I'm sure will every woman reading this post, sweet.
We are all too hard on ourselves and I am the Queen of beating myself up. II think it's an eternal battle that some of us will always have.
The people that I know who don't have a problem with ANYTHING (in fact are rather over confident and self righteous) seem not to question much else in their lives, either.
It's just finding the balance. HMM.. she says as if it's so easy.
Remember the people around you love you because you ARE you. :)
Oh, M...I wish I had something encouraging to say, but well...I have NO idea how to do this myself.
I'm here for you, dearest. xoxo.
oh how i know this as well.
i remember i always thought that once i found someone who thought i was beautiful, someone who loved me, that suddenly all the negative feelings i had about myself would go away. of course, i did not realize that loving myself was the most important committment i could ever make. and i struggle with it. but i am learning to let go of some of that...and see myself for the beauty and truth that is there...
i am sending you love and peace my dear...
Yes, it's such a hard lesson for all of us. It was almost as if I was reading my own words when you asked why you would never do this to a friend but so easily do it to yourself? I ask myself that question a thousand times a day. I love your mom's words "everything you need, you have inside you." So true and beautiful. Hope things perk up! You're so loveable and deserve to know that.
I'm coming to this post a bit late (sorry) but i am with you sweetheart - learning to love ourselves, good and bad bits, high and lows - it's hard isn't it. don't have a magic formula to solve this one (alas!) but you hit the nail on the head when you said about being a friend to yourself. YES. be your own best friend. this is somethign i try and remember too, when i hear myself berating myself yet again, or wishing i could change things. if we can love ourselves like we love our best friends, then life begins to flow.... give yourself cuddles and kisses (i'm going to try this right now) xx
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