Something to ponder

I've been inspired by two of my favorite bloggers, Meg and Mardougrrl, this morning. They both wrote about being scared to really want things and not feeling good enough. I am so glad to know that others struggle with these issues. I thought it was just me! It's definitely given me something to write about today.

Meg asked "what is it we really want". Her words in her post resonate on so many levels with me. I feel like I have been so scared to say what I really want that I can't remember what it is now. I only end up confused and uncertain which way to go. I feel like I'm overwhelmed by all the choices I have and the possibilities, that I can't focus on one thing at a time. I think it may be because I felt I didn't have the right to have my own wants, as Meg says, and buried them deep under everything else, at the bottom of my To Do list. I've been on a search for a "career" ever since I graduated university. I went overseas straight away, spent two years living and working odd jobs in the UK, learned tremendous amounts about myself and who I am and want to be, but felt no closer to deciding on 'What I Want to Do With My Life'. I kept traveling, spending a year living and working in Australia and one in New Zealand, running away from responsibility and making any career decisions, living a temporary lifestyle. I loved it in the moment, but finally got to the point where I was ready to stop running and stay put, plant some roots. Meeting R helped as well. I was seeing the world, but only found myself more confused by who I wanted to be. Now that I am settling down and creating a life for myself and with my Love in a new city, I feel like I can finally make some big decisions, but it comes back to not knowing what I want and not feeling good enough to speak up.

Mardougrrl talks about being prone to comparing herself to others and never feeling good enough with how she is living her life, with what she has done so far. (Hope I'm paraphrasing her correctly, don't want to distort her wonderful words!) I've long dealt with a feeling of not being good enough. But good enough for what? Who am I trying to please? What would I have to do to remove that doubt? What would it be like if I just believed my life is going to be happy and healthy and full of adventure and success and fun and challenges - without all the fear?

I had an epiphany while I was running the other night...I don't believe I can do anything I want. Not in as negative a way as it sounds, just that I doubt my own abilities and cannot focus my drive and determination on anything because I can't admit what I actually want. I don't believe I can run, or find a good job, or deal with life sometimes. Ok, maybe that does sound pretty negative. ( I feel like I should apologize- what's that about?!) When I decided I wanted to go to Australia for a year, I made it happen. When I decided I wanted to go overseas after university, I committed myself to my dream and the money and resolve showed up at exactly the right time. When I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with R, I have done whatever it meant for us to be together. There's no reason for me to doubt myself or my dreams, but I need to decide on one first and that seems to be my big issue these days. And in trying to decide, all my other "issues" flare up and complicate things. Does this happen to anyone else? Does this sound as confusing as I think it does?

I end up believing that the ideal career, or even job, will just come to me - either as an idea or as an actual position- and I'll be able to commit myself and make it a reality. And maybe that will still happen, but sitting around waiting for it won't help anything. Despite the monotony and boredom I experience at my current job, it does give me tons of time to write my blog, read my bloggers, and even research ideas for getting out of here. While getting paid....not bad I guess. Now that R has his papers and has actually started work today, its my chance to focus on what I want to do with my life. Not our life, but my own work life. He's completely supportive and wants me to go after anything I want to do. But once again, I don't even know where to start. I am reading a brilliant book right now by Barbara Sher, about "Scanners" - people who have many interests and dreams and want to touch on everything in the world around them. I think that's me! And she is trying to help us feel like there isn't anything wrong with being this way and how to survive in a world where you are "meant" to focus on one thing and be brilliant at it. I'm so excited to see what it suggests! See if it helps me find any solutions. Then again, I'm always looking for a solution, a quick fix, so maybe this career search isn't meant to be solved. Maybe I'm supposed to learn something else about myself from this. Any ideas? (I love how when you start a post, it can take on a totally different scope, all on its own. And you can have little epiphanys all along while you're writing!)

So, here's a list of what I want right now, for me:
I want to learn how to take better photos. I want to find a way to be a calmer person, go to yoga again. I want to go shopping for new clothes and not feel guilty! I want to get a funky new haircut. I want to go out and celebrate with my R for all we've survived in the past year(s). I want to find a job where I am busier, have fun, get to be creative, spend time around young people, and get to make a difference somehow (but not be a traditional teacher). I want to have happy, healthy babies in the next few years. I want to turn 30 gracefully, with a smile on my face and hope for my future. I want to see more of my friends who live all over the world, get them to come visit somehow. I want to love myself, unconditionally. I want to be good enough for me and no one else.

There. That wasn't so hard, was it??