Poetry Thursday/ Grateful Friday

Whew, what a crazy few days...I've actually been busy here at work. I know, I'm in total shock as well. Part of me has become more grateful for my quiet time here, my time to be creative and do "my stuff", but part of me wonders if I'll ever be satisfied as well. If I'm bored, I get angry, if I'm too busy I get angry. Never happy. Oh well, I'm not going to dwell on that today! It's Friday and the weekend is here. I'm submitting my poem late, sorry! I picked up The discovery of Poetry, by Frances Mayes (OF Under the Tuscan Sun fame- love her!!!), and found this inside:

from Body Poems

Coleman Barks

Big Toe

running running

running but clean

as a referee's whistle

& absolutely still

within my shoe

inside my sock;

he listens for mud.

Brain

a flashlight

looking through the empty

limbs

Appendix

a boxing glove

laced up

and ready

Bags Under the Eyes

the turnaround place

at the end of a lover's lane

why is that car coming back

Skeleton

on this jungle gym

Bruises

paint samples

Liver

a dripping locker room

full of older men

Blood

the winery is on fire:

listen to the music

Not sure why, but this spoke to me yesterday! My first entry, can't wait to find another one!! Now for Grateful Friday - what am I grateful for this week?

• for being busy at work and the time flying by
• for being useful and staying calm amongst all the stress around me
• for getting to show them that I am more than a monkey answering the phone!
• that the proposal is done and I can get back to doing what I'd rather (reading and writing blogs!)
• that it's the weekend!
• my sweetie getting his first pay check in Canada!!
• that we get to go shopping for stuff for our flat this weekend
• that my little sis has found herself a nice guy for a change and she's so excited!
• that my other sis has booked her tickets to Amsterdam for work (lucky thing gets to go for three weeks on Shell)
• that the sun is shining and all the flowers are out- so gorgeous!
• that the weather in Nova Scotia has been good for my parents- especially my dad who started coaching his track team again this week
• that my chocolate chip cookies turned out
• that Sunday Scribblings has been created!!
• that I went running twice this week on my own and it wasn't too bad
• that today is my pay day
• that I discovered my canker sores come from cinnamon and other spices!! Unfortunately that means no more chai lattes for awhile...:(
• our delicious homemade Thai red chicken curry last night!
• going to Michael's tomorrow
• for my Sweetie!
• that this list is so long and getting longer every week

Feel free to join in on Grateful fridays- I know Michelle is doing it, and I got it from another blog somewhere along the way. It's a wonderful feeling thinking up the list!! (How many !!'s do I have on here today? Crazy!)

Have a good weekend everyone!

Feelin' the Vibes

Although we seldom acknowledge it, we are all courageous.

It takes courage to undertake a creative project.

It takes courage to sustain it and complete it.

It takes courage to make art in the midst of everyday life.

Making art a priority takes courage.

- Julia Cameron-

I am feeling my blog Sisterhood today. So many posts about the struggles and the desires to be a creative entity and a strong woman in a life full of so many expectations and uncertainties. I want to reach out and hug all of you and somehow make it easier, to take away your pain and anger and fear and bewilderment. Women as a whole have such an interesting journey, don't they? Wanting to be successful in all our roles- daughter, mother, wife, friend, sister, aunt, colleague, artist, and also as an individual. It's hard. So hard. Finding a support circle and a place to vent and think out loud is definitely a positive step, one way we are able to help one another. What else can we do? Any ideas?

Here's my gift to you all for today...

I send you all a quiet moment, just for you. One where you are surrounded by beauty and nature, and absolutely no expectations or places you need to be. Imagine being relaxed, drinking your favorite tea, eating some delicious sweets (whatever you fancy!), and having no guilt about anything. For me, I'd be on a beach, in a hammock, drinking chai lattes and eating homemade brownies and chocolate chip cookies, reading a book that makes me laugh (like Bill Bryson or Bridget Jones), with the sun starting to set, the sound of the waves, and children laughing down the sand. Knowing I am ok, just as I am, just in that moment, and remembering how beautiful life is in its entirety.

Hang in everyone, we will make it through this together. Sark says something about how we cannot hide from the darkness, we need to sit with it and see it from the inside. Its the only way to appreciate and recognize the light in our life. (Or something like that, I don't want to misuse her words!! She's my favorite!!)

Random Thoughts...

This is the vineyard in New Zealand where R and I worked for three months this time last year. It's in the Marlborough Region on the South Island (our favorite one of the two in NZ) and the grapes are used by Oyster Bay Vineyards- delicious wine if you haven't tried it yet!! (check out this other vineyard where we planted vines as well.) We decided to do something totally different to make some money, as we'd always fallen back on our usual occupations when we were traveling- me in admin, him doing his woodwork. It was such an adventure to move into the backpackers hostel and get signed up right away with a contractor and head off to work the next morning at 7am to start walking the rows. We had no idea what we were in for, but lucked into working with a great company and in a beautiful part of the world. It was such a treat to be using my body like that everyday and to be outside, nature staring me right in the face, listening to the birds and the leaves on the vines rustle. We did everything from general vine maintenance to cutting grapes to planting to ripping off the 1 foot high plastic bags that covered the bottom of the vines (tell me that didn't hurt the back just a wee bit!! bending up and down for 8 hours a day, 250,000 vines- wow.) It was hard getting up so early everyday, and the monotony could be painful at times (yes, another monotonous job for me! what is that?), but it is one of the best memories we have of traveling! We had only planned on staying a few weeks, but got sucked into the simplicity of it and stayed for over three months! I've become a big fan of wine producing areas around the world and hope to learn more about the science and culture of wine down the road. Maybe we'll get married at a vineyard! This all came to mind today because I was thinking about where I was this time last year and this photo is it. I was happy, physically exhausted, surrounded by pure beauty, stressing about having too much time to think once again, but completely wrapped up the adventure of traveling!! Where were you this time last year?

People ask if I miss traveling, if I'm finding it hard to settle down after being transient between several countries for over 8 years -all of the UK, Australia (where I met R!!), New Zealand, Thailand, Singapore, Malaysia. Sometimes I forget I ever did it all! I actually don't miss it at all these days, probably because I am enjoying the adventure that is now instead. Settling into a life with my Love, surrounded by this amazing place, and building for our future. Traveling became too hard after so many years, I needed to stop and plant some roots. And we found some very fertile soil here on the west coast- must be all the rain!

Hopefully I'll share some of my travel tales with you on here over time. I do love to talk about it - so much so, I'm afraid to start in case I just ramble on and on!! I want to remember that it played a huge part in my life for many years, in discovering who I am, and it will always be important. We still have plans to travel, but not for years at a time anymore- just on holiday! I'd like to find places to go volunteer as well. I would like to see more of BC, the West Coast of north America, Hawaii, some of South America, and all of Europe. I'd love to live in Italy one day as well- there is some sort of bond I feel with that place. Warm fuzzies. Do you have any places you dream of seeing, living, absorbing?

I keep changing this post, so I think I'm not meant to write much today. I'm glad that my last post brought some rays of light into your lives! It made me feel good too. Anyone know any good sites about art journaling? After seeing Rhonna's 21 Day Challenge, I want to get into art journals, big time!! Any suggestions on how to get started, tools I should be looking for?

Natural High?

Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do,

begin it.

Action has magic, grace, and power in it.

-Johann Goethe-

I've been flying all morning...could be the sunshine, could be the birds waking me up, could be the caffeine and chocolate chip cookies I brought in this morning (homemade by moi!), could be the fact that R + I are getting 2 pay checks this week, could be getting to read my favorite blogs and finding more (once again), or it could be that I have this unbelievably strong feeling that things are changing. I think I'm more in tune with the seasons and nature than I realize sometimes, but with spring coming, I feel a sense of renewal and excitement. And I love it! Anyone else sensing this too?

I find my mind bubbling with ideas all the time, for everything from journaling to trying new creative endeavors to writing ideas to dates with my Sweetie to things I need/want to do to happy thoughts and on and on. I usually have a mind full of fear and anxiety and uncertainty and self-doubt and issues, so this is a nice change. Not to say that all those negative thoughts are gone, they're just adjusting to having other ones in there too. Could be a battle brewing! But I'm ready for it this time! (Please remind me if I forget ok?!!) I'm obviously processing something deep inside myself, something I cannot recognize yet, but so far so good. I'm looking forward to seeing what it might be.

Work feels better today. I know that with us both working, I have released some of the pressure I was placing on myself and I don't feel like I'm trapped anymore- all of sudden really. I had a hard week last week, one of those rare ones that knock the motivation and inspiration out of me and make it very hard to sit here. But after reading all of Refuse to Choose, I know I'm of a different breed than those around me in this office and that's ok! (That was a long time coming!!) I can use my time here, in my "Good Enough Job" and learn about things I've wanted to for ages (still making a list, I'll share when I'm done), continue to explore my newly discovered creative side, share ideas with all of you and my email buddies, read new books of fiction and non that I'm interested in (even while I'm sitting here at my desk- bit cheeky I'm sure), work on making contacts with others in the artistic and education community in Vancouver and around, as well as work on finding myself an even better job. I can even accept that working in administration may be my best route for now, but that doesn't mean I can't work in an art school or a university office or somewhere that works with children or for a charity, right? I honestly believe my career may never be the center of my fulfillment and inspiration- I will get that from my all the other aspects of my life. I need to have goals and be learning something new in order to feel energized, so now I'm going to ensure I make room for these- even while I'm sitting here doing a "monkey's job". So I can actually be grateful for a position that sometimes makes me want to scream or run away and hide!

It's amazing how a bit of change in perspective can be so uplifting and freeing. On the other hand, I'm scared to have actually said out loud that I am ok, that I accept- scared that now something negative will try and swallow me up. Does anyone else do this too? The ongoing lessons of learning to let go, to live in the moment, to believe I deserve a good life, and to feel good enough...my "issues". Oh well, for this moment, I'm content and this is the only moment that matters. Right now.

Grateful Friday

Vancouver North Shore Mountains (view from outside my office!)

Today I'm grateful for....

• it being the end of the week, hello weekend!!
• all the support I've found from my wonderful blog sisterhood- thank you for your wonderful words and ideas this week!
• my R surviving his first full week of work and still smiling! (well done sweetie!)
• coffee gift cards
• the sun being out even though they said it was going to rain all day
• going for a run last night in just a tshirt
• that it's getting warmer
• a chance to see some of our friends this weekend
• no alarm clocks for two days!
• being able to listen to music at work (like this and this)
• how excited my mom gets over the NCAA Basketball tournament- too cute!
• that my friend Denise is feeling better
• take away, a DVD and just the two of us tonight
• hot baths!! (divine)
• knowing how to sew (hemming pants at least!)
• feeling much better after reading this, clearer somehow
• Italian dressing and learning how good it is to cook with
• thai sweet chilli sauce...can we say obsessed??
• not being afraid to ask the questions, and feeling like I'm may finally be getting somewhere with all this wondering
• The OC- how can you not love cheesy tv shows like this?!
• my 30th birthday being in one month and two days...bring it on!!

I love how reading and writing blogs is opening up so much more for me, allowing me to ask the big questions, and to find my voice- even more so than I thought I had it before. I know I'm on the verge of something. What- I'm not exactly sure, but I know that I have more support than I'll know what to do with!! Between R, my family, my friends, and my new blog sisterhood, I will be able to take that leap and know I have a soft landing if I need it. Cheers!! How lucky am I!!

Brainstorming (or a stormy brain?)

I arise in the morning, torn between

a desire to improve the world and

a desire to enjoy the world.

This makes it hard to plan the day.

-EB White-

This is what my head feels like this week...blocked and all fuzzy and I don't even have a cold!! Too much thinking going on! But like the photo above from our year in New Zealand, beauty is everywhere, no matter what's going on right in front of me! I went for a lovely walk on my lunch break today- its warming up out there and felt very spring-like. It helped that it wasn't raining either! It's amazing how clear things feel when I'm walking, looking at the flowers everywhere, listening to the children playing and laughing in the playground, breathing (relatively) fresh air. I needed it. I've been having a hard week, the kind that seem to creep up on me every so often. I feel a huge weight on my shoulders, one that's full of frustration, fear, anger, and annoyance...mostly directed towards my job. I try not to talk about work much on here because (a) don't want to get fired for doing it while I'm actually at work, and (b)I don't want to go into the negative abyss that wants to pull me in. The more I dwell on it, the worse I feel.

I'm very lucky to have a job, one that's helped us survive while R was waiting for his papers to come through, and one that allows me time on the computer to do this, meet you all, read blogs, and create. I have a "Good Enough" job, as Barbara Sher calls it, and want to try and be grateful for that. But it's hard, especially when I'm tired or hormonal or otherwise emotionally unstable. All my anger towards the world and my own life comes out against this area of my life, the one thing I have never felt confident or excited about. Ever since I graduated university, I've wanted to find a job that I enjoy, one where I can contribute something meaningful, and not just go to work and waste 40 hours of my week. I know so many people who hate their jobs, who suffer through it every week to meet their immediate needs, and I always wonder how we can change things so everyone can go to a job that excites them, means something to them. Obviously I haven't solved it yet! Maybe I'll just start having babies and ignore having to make a decision awhile longer.

I've realized I need to have goals in my life, things to strive for- however minor or simple. As long as I can see that I've accomplished something, I feel like it was worth it. (Not quite as simple as say brushing my teeth twice a day, but you know what I mean!) I also need to be learning something new- whether its facts about something or how to do something, it doesn't matter. My brain needs the exercise regularly! Maybe I can do a course online while I'm sitting here, something that really interests me or may help me get a better job down the road. Or maybe I could be doing some freelance writing or something- for travel magazines or youth magazines. Scary to even say it out loud, really, but I have experienced so much and I want to share it somehow. Or find a way to work with young girls and building their self-esteem. (Check this site out!! What a great idea!) I would like to handle this part of my life with more grace and gratitude than I have been, and to find a way to get a more positive experience out of it. Then maybe the feeling of dread that comes over me every so often will go away. Everything happens for a reason, so maybe I always end up in monotonous jobs because I'm supposed to be doing something else at the same time. Building a foundation while I have the security of a regular pay check. Any ideas?? Know any good online courses or websites that you love that I should check out?

A Community of Friendship

In everyone's life, at some time, our inner fire goes out.

It is then burst into flame by an encounter with

another human being.

We should all be thankful for those people who

rekindle the inner spirit.

- Albert Schweitzer-

I'm sure I found this on one of my sisterhood blogs, but I cannot remember! I've been blogging for a month now, and like Meg, I feel the need to take a moment and be grateful for the experiences it has opened up to me and my life.

I was scared to start doing this, after spending a couple months obsessively reading and contemplating other blogs and how their words affected me. I was amazed at how a group of women artists found a way to meet up in cyberspace and create a community of support and friendship and inspiration and motivation, without ever having met in person. I didn't know where I'd fit in, or whether I would without having a craft that I'm pursuing as diligently as these women are everyday. Finally, I got brave enough to sod the fear of stretching my comfort zone and just went for it. And it has changed my life- daily! How excited was I when I got my first comment (thank you Madougrrl!) Or when I got tagged (thank you Liz!) and mentioned on some of the blogs that I admire most?! It was a daily gift and such a joy. I still get excited and feel honored that people are reading what I write. And connect with it.

One of the best gifts I've received from writing a blog is knowing that I am not alone. That there are many women (and men!) out there who are going through the same things as me- having fears and doubts and emotional meltdowns and trying to learn to let go and live in the moment and have our own wants and be proud of what we have accomplished. I've always seen my anxiety as such a handicap, as an obstacle that I must get over in order to live a fulfilling life, but after sharing my thoughts and reading the words of my blog sisterhood, I am beginning to realize it's a normal sensation and that I'm only giving it more power by trying to ignore it. And I'm not the only one who feels a bit lost and wants to make a difference with her life. We're all trying to find our way and inspire others, while living authentically and passionately on all levels. And probably expecting too much of ourselves instead of celebrating what we have and are already giving/receiving. (At least I know I am!) Grateful Friday gives me a chance to see all the positive things in my life regularly. 'Poetry Thursday' is helping me get over my ignorance of poetry and just see it for the beautiful combination of words. 'Inspire Me Thursday' and 'Self Portrait Tuesdays' give all the artists in you a chance to explore and share and create and I love being a part of it! We must come up with more exercises for the writers in us as well- like Feisty Scribe's 'Friday Question'.

I've always been fascinated by the phenomenon that is weblogging, ever since I first heard about it awhile ago. It's a new way of bringing people together through a medium that has been shaping our culture for years. The amount of blogs out there and subjects people talk about and open up about is unbelievable. I never imagined how it could bring such incredible women into my life. Thank you!!

First Day of Spring!

What a beautiful day we're having! Spring is one of my favorite times of year...breaking free from the cold and grey and dark that means winter to me, coming alive with the plants and trees and flowers all around! You can smell the buds coming out, the earth warming up. It's not as drastic here on the west coast as it was in Nova Scotia (where you had to defrost and melt before you could even see brown grass!), but still feels just as exciting. It feels like time for new beginnings, to wake up, to feel the possibilities of life again. Winter always brings me down, but this year it wasn't as bad now that I live somewhere that stays green all year round. It makes a huge difference to my sense of self and piece of mind- not sure why really.

I had a great weekend away on Vancouver Island. It was wonderful to catch up with my little sis, see her play rugby and hang out with her. She works for my friend who just had surgery, so I got to see her as well and she is brilliant. Very positive about everything and healing nicely. We watched "Best in Show" one night and it had all of us in stitches!! If you haven't watched this movie, you must. My sis and I absolutely love it, have seen it tons of times, and knew they would enjoy it. It was such a gift to see them howling with laughter after all they have been through these past few weeks. I definitely believe its the best medicine. I finished a great book as well, check it out here. I couldn't put it down!!

I got home Saturday night, so got to spend a gorgeous day with my Love yesterday- out for a walk, window shopping, enjoying the sunshine. The best part was being able to go into a shop, see something we like and know that we will be able to buy it soon if we want. It was so hard when we were living on one pay check- we felt so restricted and came from a position of lack...something we are now finally starting to move out of! We had so much fun! We have been able to learn how to live without "stuff" and both enjoy the simplicity of it. We know we don't need these things to be happy, to live a full life, but it will still be nice to get a few things for our home and ourselves. (There's that fear of wanting something for myself again! Meg is so spot on about this stuff!!) We've never been 'collectors'; we are more into spending money to travel, to see and do things instead.

It was so nice to have a long weekend, but it's been hard being back at work today. Especially when it's so beautiful outside. Maybe I need a job where I can work both in and out of doors. I did work in a vineyard for three months in NZ with my sweetie. It was one of the best jobs I've had! Even though it too was monotonous and could be pretty hard on the mind having all that time to think, I loved being outdoors and using my body physically everyday. And the view around us was magical- mountains and a sea of green vines as far as you could see. We worked for a great contracting company as well, they took good care of us. Doing a job nothing like anything either of us had done before was a gift in itself. Such freedom from expectations, from the pressure of places we'd been before.

I'm starting to ramble on now, not sure where this is going. Working hard not to fall into my usual Monday sea of negativity, so I think I'll go and read my favorite blogs for some inspiration. Keep smiling and happy first day of spring everyone!

Off for the Weekend!

Not sure where I got this photo from, but it fits this week. There are daffodils everywhere right now...spring has sprung!! I'm off for a long weekend to Vancouver Island to visit my sister and some family friends. Leaving R behind to work, unfortunately, but he couldn't very well ask for a day off after just starting! I'll get some girlie time and he may get to watch the football (soccer to you North Americans)with an English friend, so it should be good for both of us. It's been awhile since we've done anything apart, but I've been keeping him close in case he had to go home again. Need to work on that now that he's allowed to stay. Hmm, letting go...there it is again.

So I'll do my Grateful Friday now instead:

• loving that it feels like friday but its only thursday
• getting a long weekend and having a paid holiday off (haven't had very many before!)
• my sister coming to get me and take me back to the ferry, letting me stay with her
• being there for my friend who's just had surgery
• the sun coming out and the rain going away again
• three days away from work!!!!!
• Mandarin Orange Spice tea- yummy
• Indian Butter Chicken
• R surviving his first day of work with a smile on his face
• morning cuddles
• getting away from the city

Have a good weekend everyone! Love the poems today!

Something to ponder

I've been inspired by two of my favorite bloggers, Meg and Mardougrrl, this morning. They both wrote about being scared to really want things and not feeling good enough. I am so glad to know that others struggle with these issues. I thought it was just me! It's definitely given me something to write about today.

Meg asked "what is it we really want". Her words in her post resonate on so many levels with me. I feel like I have been so scared to say what I really want that I can't remember what it is now. I only end up confused and uncertain which way to go. I feel like I'm overwhelmed by all the choices I have and the possibilities, that I can't focus on one thing at a time. I think it may be because I felt I didn't have the right to have my own wants, as Meg says, and buried them deep under everything else, at the bottom of my To Do list. I've been on a search for a "career" ever since I graduated university. I went overseas straight away, spent two years living and working odd jobs in the UK, learned tremendous amounts about myself and who I am and want to be, but felt no closer to deciding on 'What I Want to Do With My Life'. I kept traveling, spending a year living and working in Australia and one in New Zealand, running away from responsibility and making any career decisions, living a temporary lifestyle. I loved it in the moment, but finally got to the point where I was ready to stop running and stay put, plant some roots. Meeting R helped as well. I was seeing the world, but only found myself more confused by who I wanted to be. Now that I am settling down and creating a life for myself and with my Love in a new city, I feel like I can finally make some big decisions, but it comes back to not knowing what I want and not feeling good enough to speak up.

Mardougrrl talks about being prone to comparing herself to others and never feeling good enough with how she is living her life, with what she has done so far. (Hope I'm paraphrasing her correctly, don't want to distort her wonderful words!) I've long dealt with a feeling of not being good enough. But good enough for what? Who am I trying to please? What would I have to do to remove that doubt? What would it be like if I just believed my life is going to be happy and healthy and full of adventure and success and fun and challenges - without all the fear?

I had an epiphany while I was running the other night...I don't believe I can do anything I want. Not in as negative a way as it sounds, just that I doubt my own abilities and cannot focus my drive and determination on anything because I can't admit what I actually want. I don't believe I can run, or find a good job, or deal with life sometimes. Ok, maybe that does sound pretty negative. ( I feel like I should apologize- what's that about?!) When I decided I wanted to go to Australia for a year, I made it happen. When I decided I wanted to go overseas after university, I committed myself to my dream and the money and resolve showed up at exactly the right time. When I decided I wanted to spend the rest of my life with R, I have done whatever it meant for us to be together. There's no reason for me to doubt myself or my dreams, but I need to decide on one first and that seems to be my big issue these days. And in trying to decide, all my other "issues" flare up and complicate things. Does this happen to anyone else? Does this sound as confusing as I think it does?

I end up believing that the ideal career, or even job, will just come to me - either as an idea or as an actual position- and I'll be able to commit myself and make it a reality. And maybe that will still happen, but sitting around waiting for it won't help anything. Despite the monotony and boredom I experience at my current job, it does give me tons of time to write my blog, read my bloggers, and even research ideas for getting out of here. While getting paid....not bad I guess. Now that R has his papers and has actually started work today, its my chance to focus on what I want to do with my life. Not our life, but my own work life. He's completely supportive and wants me to go after anything I want to do. But once again, I don't even know where to start. I am reading a brilliant book right now by Barbara Sher, about "Scanners" - people who have many interests and dreams and want to touch on everything in the world around them. I think that's me! And she is trying to help us feel like there isn't anything wrong with being this way and how to survive in a world where you are "meant" to focus on one thing and be brilliant at it. I'm so excited to see what it suggests! See if it helps me find any solutions. Then again, I'm always looking for a solution, a quick fix, so maybe this career search isn't meant to be solved. Maybe I'm supposed to learn something else about myself from this. Any ideas? (I love how when you start a post, it can take on a totally different scope, all on its own. And you can have little epiphanys all along while you're writing!)

So, here's a list of what I want right now, for me:
I want to learn how to take better photos. I want to find a way to be a calmer person, go to yoga again. I want to go shopping for new clothes and not feel guilty! I want to get a funky new haircut. I want to go out and celebrate with my R for all we've survived in the past year(s). I want to find a job where I am busier, have fun, get to be creative, spend time around young people, and get to make a difference somehow (but not be a traditional teacher). I want to have happy, healthy babies in the next few years. I want to turn 30 gracefully, with a smile on my face and hope for my future. I want to see more of my friends who live all over the world, get them to come visit somehow. I want to love myself, unconditionally. I want to be good enough for me and no one else.

There. That wasn't so hard, was it??

What's in a Name

Thought a wee explanation was in order about my name.

I was born Melissa, but grew up being called Missy. My dad always says I looked like a Missy the second he first saw me...or maybe he meant Melissa? It wasn't until I went overseas after university that I started to introduced myself as Melissa officially. It felt very grown up and foreign and even still does now, 8 years later. But I knew I had definitely grown out of Missy for some reason. I've been known as Mel and Sa and Missylissa, but my favorite name is M. It came from an old friend of mine, when we were living in Scotland. The Scottish say "em" when they are trying to think of something, like we saw "um", so my friend thought it would be fun to call me M- and it's stuck! My Love calls me M, so do most of my friends I met while traveling in different parts of the world, as well as people at home now too. I feel most like M, like that's who I was meant to be all along. I discovered her when I was abroad, during some of the most fantastic and monumental times of my life (so far), so I relate to her more than Melissa or even Missy. I'm Melissa at work, always, so that makes it feel formal. But to my dear friends and even my family now too, I'm M and I love it!! To me, it means me being authentic and brave and adventurous and bold and creative and silly...and will only grow to mean more I'm sure. Does anyone else ever think about their name and how it feels? Do you have a name you'd rather be or any great stories about where your name comes from?

On a side note, my friend is in for surgery today for breast cancer. If you can send your positive vibes to her, I'd really appreciate it! And please go here as well. We can beat this!! Getting sick scares me, but being aware of my body is one way to stay healthy. I can only do what I can do.

Nothing Better Than...

Nothing Better than:

• R getting his work permit!!!!!!!! (officially good to go now!)
• knowing he'll be able to work this week!
• not having to live on one pay check, hand to mouth, anymore
• driving again
• the beautiful sunshine we had all weekend
• seeing more of this beautiful city
• eating lunch outside on Saturday (March 11th!!) in just a tshirt, celebrating
• the beaches nearby
• dreams of having a house on the water one day
• eating fish and chips watching the sun go down
• hiking through gorgeous Lighthouse park
• being close to nature, remembering how much I love it
• being able to plan ahead, knowing we're actually going to be in one place for awhile!
• the beautiful sunsets we can see from our flat
• the smell of my shampoo
• getting up early and being out all day
• being able to think about where I want to be, finding a way out of this job finally
• spring being in the air everywhere- daffodils blooming, buds opening, the smell of life
• listening to this, watching this
• making lists of all the things we want to get for our flat and ourselves
• talking about how we will go about getting married next year...Vegas anyone?!
• feeling so lucky to have landed on our feet in such a beautiful part of the world
• how loved I am and how lucky we are

I've had a glorious weekend, so did not want to come back to work today. We got R's work permit at the border on Saturday, so he is finally allowed to work in Canada now!! How relieved are we?! We've been thinking about immigration and how to stay together in one country ever since we've been together, basically, and now we can finally just be. I'm sure it'll take me sometime to adjust my thought patterns, but working very hard to let it all go and just be happy in the moment for a change.

We drove around exploring more of the city and outlying areas- loved having lunch in WhiteRock to celebrate, sitting out on the patio in the sun, with just my shirt on! Saw some lovely little beachside communities and we both hope we can spend more time there. We got to go for a great hike yesterday at Lighthouse Park over in West Vancouver, the land of money and gorgeous houses. It was wonderful to be somewhere quiet and listen to the birds and my breath. Definitely needed that after the stress I put myself under in the past week. The weather was gorgeous, so sunny and warm, spring is coming!

I feel so totally blessed and incredibly lucky for my life and how its unfolding. I love being aware and feeling every single emotion. I'm learning to let go and just be in the moment, hoping I don't start to create something new to worry about. Maybe if I can get creative, it will distract me enough!!

Snow and Running

I woke up to snow this morning!! Its such an anomaly around here, it was a huge surprise! The higher areas of Vancouver got plenty, enough to even have to shovel out their cars. We only had a light dusting, maybe a couple centimeters in some places. This is just one more reason I love Vancouver- we can have pretty snow that catches our imagination and childlike wonder, but it's gone by lunchtime. After growing up on the East Coast, where winter comes with snow, freezing rain, windchill factor, snowbanks, blizzard like conditions, living here is a dream. I've never been a big fan of winter- I'm not a skier, nor do I play hockey. I always found myself counting the days till spring- every year! I've been able to miss a few Canadian winters by traveling and living in the Southern Hemisphere for a couple years, but our first winter here has been easy. I haven't had to put my "winter coat" on at all and this is the second time we've seen any snow at all! No plugging the car in at night so it will start in the morning. No drastic changes in temperature, reeking havoc with our bodies and cars and roads. Here you can choose to drive up to the mountains and spend some time in the snow, then drive back down to the green lushness of the city. I can choose- How amazing is that!!?!! Sure, it rains (7 weeks in a row through December + January), its grey, it does get cold, but it seems to be much kinder to my moods and my psyche and my body this way. We plan on staying here for awhile, but if we ever decide to move again, it'll be hard to find somewhere that agrees with us so much.

Inspired by Megg and Bohemian Girl, who have been talking about running this week, I've decided that its time to get motivated again. I am turning 30 in April and wanted to do something big for just myself, a present to me, so I decided back in January to run a 10km that just so happens to be starting around the corner from my house, 3 days before my birthday. I think it was a sign. I got my other half, R, to help by running with me, and we even got up to 3-4 times a week, running at least 30 minutes. Then, life got in the way, friends came to visit, and I totally lost all motivation to go at all. I find running so hard. There's a voice in my head that sounds like someone is running next to me and yelling at me to stop, to give up, that I suck, that I won't be able to finish, on and on and on. Some days I can ignore it enough to get through, others it makes me feel like lying down and crying. Does anyone else get this? I've been an athlete all my life, but with ankle injuries and growing up, staying fit has become such a chore. The only physical activity I love is yoga- I could do that 7 days a week forever! Probably has something to do with being part of a class, not having to push my body to the point of pain unless I want to, and being able to relax while getting fit. Running brings me satisfaction sometimes, with that physical release and being able to go a bit farther, but on the whole, I don't know what I've gotten myself into! I told everyone I was going to do this run, so I can't back out now. I still want to live up to my goal for myself, even though I may be faltering. I've got six weeks left, so I want to be as ready as I possibly can...anyone have any ideas how to make sure I get out there and do it? How to keep that negative voice quiet? How to learn to actually enjoy running??

Almost forgot, Grateful Friday! I am grateful for:

• the BC government helping R get to stay for awhile
• the real possibility that he could be working soon
• his ability to handle 6 months of uncertainty and days alone so well
• the future we are going to be able to share together, in the same place
• the snow and then the sun coming out
• chai lattes (again!)
• my rediscovery of oranges - so yummy!
• the comments I've gotten on here this week
• all the words I've been able to read from my other bloggers
• things working out (knock on wood!)

Creative bliss

"Creativity is the mind at play with the materials that it loves." -Carl Jung

My theme for 2006 is Creativity. Ever since I started reading all these wonderful blogs from such amazing female artists at the end of last year, I've been thinking about creativity and how it fits into my own life. I got scared away from art when I was in school and couldn't make the picture look like what I had in my mind. I didn't want to be criticized for my work, so I just decided I can't draw and stopped it at that. I know we all go through a developmental phase where we become more literal and conscious of opinions, so that was mine. I turned to writing instead. I always loved getting mail and writing letters- write to someone and they will write back, was what I was taught! When I was a teenager, struggling with my own identity and feelings, my mom suggested writing a journal to get it all out there, let go of some of the anxiety and confusion I felt. I've now been writing a journal, almost daily, for 15 years. (Wow, that's a lot of words!) From my years of traveling, I've come home with stacks of journals full of my experiences and emotions through it all. I have photos too, but these are much more priceless and essential to me. I can't wait to look back at them when I have children and grandchildren. If there was ever a fire in my house, I would take that box out first!

I decided this year I wanted to have more creativity in my life. Not just artistically, but in how I live my day to day life- creating more joy, more love, more energy...all sorts of things. I'm not an "artist" in the same was as my favorite blog sisters Bohemian Girl, Superhero Designs, Megg, Ali, Mardougrrl, Laini, and Liz are, but I love to create. I am a creative person. I love to be around creative people, to make things, to write and share ideas. Words are my biggest outlet, but becoming a "writer" seems too hard or too lonely or too something right now. I'm in awe of people who do decide to make writing their work. I love reading and devour books regularly. I'm interested in using words in new ways, not just in journals and blogging. I am going to learn how to scrapbook, maybe put some words on canvas with lots of colour, etc. I've already initiated a letter writing revolution- trying to get out a real letter a week to a friend or family member somewhere in the world, hoping they'll join in by writing back. Mostly because I love getting mail and reading the words written by people I love. Bright coloured envelopes and paper, cards, anything!

Blogging has opened the creative floodgates for me - first through simply reading about artists and their lives and projects, and now through sharing -I find my mind full of thoughts and ideas of what to put in my next entry. It even keeps me awake at night sometimes! Its been a blessing for helping me survive this Boring Job I'm in, a way to stay alert and not get sucked into this monotony. I'm sure there is a way to make creativity a part of my working life as well, but I'm not sure how yet. Still working on that one. My dream creative job would be to either work at something like 826 Valencia, or to be a stationery/journal/card designer. I have a wonderful friend, Megan, who I've grown up with and we both share an enormous love of stationery- maybe she could be my design partner!

I can't wait to go to Michael's and start my collection of scrapbooking supplies, or buy a new journal, or writing paper. Or a new book! Everyday I get to read about some incredible creative artists on the internet and share in their works in progress. And now I'm marrying a creative man (cabinetmaker), who's brilliant with his hands and has a mind full of design ideas for the furniture in our future house(s)! What more could I ask for?!!

Starting to believe! (knock on wood!)

When I started this post today, I was going to write about staying positive and learning to let go because its something I think a hell of a lot about. And with R waiting for 6 months now to get permission to work in this country, letting go and letting it happen as its meant to be was always at the forefront- and finally started to get very difficult. Especially after we went to an open house at his new workshop on the weekend (the original one he was hired to work in burnt down over Christmas, just part of the saga!). Seeing the inspiring new space, meeting his bosses and all the interesting and lovely people he's going to be working with was such a treat. It felt like a wonderful community to be a part of and we both were feeling positive and alive that our life was unfolding this way. Of course, my negative mind didn't want me to let my guard down...dont' get too positive, or the bad stuff will find a way in! Does this happen to anyone else? I just kept trying to remember to let go, I am not in control, and we will survive no matter what happens.

Well, I guess someone or something was listening to me (to us!) and decided to end my mental and emotional struggle...his paperwork came through today!!!!!! How excited am I? Are we?? I am so so proud of this amazing man I get to love and be loved by. He's been through a long, hard wait and now we finally have some positive news!! He's survived relatively unscathed and with such grace. He still has more paperwork to go through, but this was the big hurdle, the one we've been aching for, were scared of as well as eager for all at once. Champagne all around!

It just goes to show me, once again, that worrying and hypothesizing and "what if-ing" my way through life is such a waste of energy. This is a lesson I have been presented with many, many times, but still need to learn it...hopefully now I can finally start to believe. Believe that we are meant to be together and nothing (even borders and nationalities) is going to force us apart. Believe that life can be what you want it to be, as long as you are willing to do the work and trust in yourself. Believe that I deserve to be happy and to have good things happen to me. Believe in myself and my ability to cope, with whatever I need to deal with. Believe in the friendliness and possibilities of the Universe. I mean, I have had no shortage of good things happening to me through my short 30 year old life, but for some reason, I struggle to believe, every time. Am I alone in this? I hope not!! Any advice on how to remember??

This is such a gift, such a joy and I cannot wait to get home and celebrate with him. Life felt like it had to wait to begin on so many levels for us here until this paperwork came through- now it can. The possibilities are endless and I am ecstatic!! I am so lucky and so blessed... I always remember that.

Grateful Friday...

"Let's be Grateful for those who give us happiness. They are the charming gardeners who make our souls bloom." -Proust

Who am I grateful for?

• my amazing man
• my parents
• my beautiful sisters and brilliant brother
• my gorgeous sister- in- law and my hilarious nephew and nieces
• my family all over the place
• my friends in Vancouver
• my friends in Canada
• my friends in England
• my friends all over the rest of the world
• my fellow bloggers
• my favorite writers
• all the musicians I listen to daily
• the person who invented the internet
• my company for keeping me around and paying me
• my bus drivers for getting me here and around the city
• my landlords

What am I grateful for today?

• the orange juice I'm pumping my body with, hoping to beat the cold I feel coming on
• the sun and the birds waking me up this morning, instead of my alarm!
• for MSN messenger and being able to "talk" to my mom and other friends everyday
• for the blogging community and getting to be a part of it
• for my health
• for BBC Radio 1 letting me listen to the shows online even after they happen (time change!)
• that the Oscars will be over this weekend and people can finally stop guessing
• for the cuddles I got this morning
• for R's parents, my future in-laws, helping us out
• for the weekend, sleeping in, and getting to go to R's new company for a BBQ

Check this site out. I'm wishing there was one here in Vancouver! What a brilliant idea. Have a great weekend!

My first tag!

Nice relaxing day at work today, listening to Beth Orton's new one and loving it- do check her out. I've been tagged by Liz, my first one ever (thanks!!). Thought I'd give it a try...

3 Things you wish for (just for you)

that I was closer to my family and friends (or owned a plane to fly there!)

that my job fulfilled me and allowed me to be more creative

that I could go on a shopping spree

3 Things you would do to/for yourself if there was no one to judge you (or if you had the guts!)

get a crazy, bold haircut

fill my shelves with new journals and writing paper

hot air balloon ride

3 bad habits you have

biting my nails

cracking my knuckles (and neck and back)

being a messy chef

3 insecurities you feel

that I could be doing more (whatever more may mean- it changes daily)

that I am too scared to decide what life I want to create

that I'm not good enough

3 talents/skills you wish you had

photography

could speak more than one language

fly a plane

3 things you would do if you had more time

volunteer more

exercise more

( I really have no excuse, I have plenty of time, just not enough motivation or too much fear!)

3 things that bring you peace and relaxation

yoga

reading

colouring with my nieces and nephew

(same as Liz)

3 things that spark your creativity

good books or movies or music

blogs

not sure, still exploring this side of me!

3 people you want to tag

Kathleen - she'll love this!

Bohemian Girl

More to Me (Megg)

Wow, that was much harder than I anticipated! I was trying to go with my gut, but still thinking about who may read this...silly. Off to watch the lighting of the Inukshuk tonight for the 2010 Olympics, hope the rain stays away! Only 1450 days to go till the flame arrives, trying to keep our interest peaked I guess.