Monday, September 11, 2006

Sunday Scribblings

time travel from cybergus on flickr

This week's prompt: "What I wouldn’t write about… "

I found this prompt hard, even a bit uncomfortable really. I wasn’t sure what I wouldn’t write about. I know that I wouldn’t write a fantasy book or a sci-fi book, simply because I have no experience with these genres. I find too much reality hard to handle sometimes, so I wouldn’t write a real-life story. I don’t know what I wouldn’t write about, it’s too hard to pinpoint, so I decided to do a timed writing and see what came out.

I wouldn’t write about how amazing I am. I wouldn’t write about how many things I have accomplished and how wonderful a person I am. I wouldn’t write that I am a brilliant friend and even better girlfriend. I wouldn’t write that I have so much to offer, that I am being wasted at this job. I wouldn’t write that I deserve to be happy or that I deserve to be in a job where I am successful and feel useful. I wouldn’t write that I am going to be a great mom, caring and open minded and flexible, ready for anything. I wouldn’t write that I am an adventurer at heart, that I like to take risks, that I enjoy new things. I wouldn’t write that change is good. I wouldn’t write that I am beautiful, inside and out. I wouldn’t write that I am afraid of being a mother, that I worry I will be too anxious and miss all the magic. I wouldn’t write that I worry about falling into a depression again. I wouldn’t write that I hate being an anxious person and that I would do anything to stop worrying for even just a day. I wouldn’t write that I am embarrassed that I am working in a place I hate and not getting out of it fast enough. I wouldn’t write that I would trade in my university degree to erase the debt I’m straddled with. I wouldn’t write that I hated 90% of my university experience. I wouldn’t write that I am scared to go after a job I love because then I wouldn’t know what to complain or stress about anymore. I wouldn’t write that I want to work with kids on some level but am too scared to go through all the schooling in case I don’t want to do it once I get there. I wouldn’t write that I feel useless sometimes. I wouldn’t write that I believe in myself. I wouldn’t write that I want to work with young people to help them believe in themselves and follow their dreams. I wouldn’t write that I want to become more creative. I wouldn’t write that I think I am already creative. I wouldn’t write that I think I am brave or strong. I wouldn’t write that I want to stop thinking about a career and working forever. I wouldn’t write that my size doesn’t matter to me, that I am perfect exactly how I am. I wouldn’t write that I don’t care what other people think about me. I wouldn’t write that I like Starbucks coffee. I wouldn’t write that I miss traveling. I wouldn’t write that I wish I had been more relaxed and enjoyed the moment when I was traveling. I wouldn’t write that losing someone I love scares me daily, to the point of tears and/or panic. I wouldn’t write that I think I can handle it, that I can handle anything. I wouldn’t write that I want to make a difference to someone, to the world. I wouldn’t write that I already have done this. I wouldn’t write that I am seen as a positive influence. I wouldn’t write that I can commit to something and stick it out. I wouldn’t write that I want to be a runner, even though I hate every second of it. I wouldn’t write that I am a good writer. I wouldn’t write that I trust I the process. I wouldn’t write that I worry I’m wasting time by being in a job I despise. I wouldn’t write these things because they scare me. They feel like lies sometimes. Or words I’m not supposed to say out loud.
Whew, that was a bit serious. I may be feeling some of the universal grief that's going around today on the 5th anniversary. Or maybe I just needed to open the flood gates a bit. Either way, my other posts this week will be a bit more upbeat, I promise!

8 comments:

ruby said...

what a great introspective and honest post!!!!

Susannah said...

i'm glad you shared this, love - and i wouldn't worry about posts not being upbeat (just look at my blog for reference :-) sometimes we gotta get this stuff OUT of us, out into the world where it can breathe and be looked at from different perspectives. by sharing we let others see that the crazy stuff they think about themelves we think about ourselves too. we're all the same, muddling through life, trying to work it out - and doing the best we can. big hugs to you sweetie x

Jennifer said...

wow, sounds like this was the right prompt for you. so good to get it out there. I imagine it's a liberating feeling.

la vie en rose said...

so many of these things i wouldn't write either, especially all the things that are about complimenting myself. why is that so hard?

Natalie said...

oh my god, i wouldn't write about any of those things either, even though they are so me. i wouldn't, for example, write that i'm trying to give up smoking but can't, that i'm in a relationship with someone much much younger than me and don't know where it can possibly go, or whether he is ready to be with me, even though i seem to love him more than i have loved anyone. Thank you m, thank you for your comment and thank you for this blog, because it is amazing! i have some catching up to do on your archives, clearly. Can i link you? i already feel linked, if you know what i mean,
Natalie

rachel said...

One hell of a list Melissa. I am amazed at your capacity to put it all out there, warts and all. Once it goes out there, into the world, I do believe a lot of it just gets fixed. Here's hoping! And yes, you will be a fantastic mother. Dont worry

Madeleine said...

so M...what sisn't you include? not much. what a fantastic list. i admire all of your honesty. i wouldn't say any of that either, and to back up Michelle, why is it so hard to compliment ourselves (this is very typical english bent i have to say).
i don't think it was downbeat at all. it was heartfelt and honest (and very thorough).
i think that we all feel the same. i am learning this more and more. that we all have the same insecurities, issues, dreams and aspirations essentially.

the common thread here, reading this, though, is your job!
i wish i could magically find you the perfect job where you are respected, appreciated, and happy. a job where you find your dream. where you can find and outlet for you. where you wake up in the morning with a full heart at the prospect of going to work.
i wish this for you, lovely.
and it will happen. put ti out there. it is waiting for you.

so much love, as always.
Mad
xxxx

kelly rae said...

i wouldn't write that i like starbucks. you are so funny, and true. and i think it's great that you wrote in this post a few times about your crummy job and then you were offered THE job later in the week. LOVE that!