from Odelot on Flickr
It's been a hard week, I won't sugar coat it. I've already been on edge lately with applying for new jobs, interviewing, and waiting for news - but this past week it only got tougher. My job is now a place that makes me not only (still) feel angry and frustrated, but also insecure, unsure of myself, and anxious - to get out of there, to not rock the boat, to feel safe again. I already mentioned I was banished from the internet (a story I'm too scared to post because I'm afraid they will find my blog and fire me- yes, I have become paranoid! but I will share it as soon as I can!), which had been my only refuge for this past year. (And I miss blogging so much, I feel so disconnected and its only been a few days!) Not sure what made them decide now that it wasn't appropriate, but it just goes to show how little they really see me in that office. I've always been bored there, with very little to do, so now I have even less and even more time to sit and contemplate things - not a good thing for me. I've been playing phone tag with the woman about the job I had two interviews for, not sure what her verdict is going to be, but I'll be quite happy to simply know an answer - no matter what. I'm busy putting more cover letters together and keep my eyes on the job pages, but I've just been feeling like it cannot. happen. fast. enough.
In the old days, when I was traveling, I would've just left a place that made me feel like this. I wouldn't have tried to make it work, or see how to change my perspective- I would have just made my excuses and evaporated. It seemed so simple that way. No confrontation, no discomfort, no stress. Now, it's time to grow up. I need to deal with it and find a way to be able to cope for as long as needs be. I am going to get out of there, but it may take some time. It may take some discomfort. It may take some faith. I can feel it all there, under the surface, but on top, I just feel fragile. Like this is too hard. But, that's usually when I find my strongest motivation, and the inner strength I need to move forward. Sometimes it has to get so bad that I feel like I'm going to explode before I am brave enough to take the chances I need, to push myself beyond my comfort zone once more. Well, I am officially so ready.
Ready to do whatever I need to in order to find a job that satisfies me on more levels than just filling my bank account. I'm ready to push through the pain and just go for it. I'm ready to find a job I enjoy, where I get to help people, where I get to make a difference, where I am appreciated for what I can do, for making a contribution.
6 comments:
what a beautiful reminder in that sunset... I'm hoping you find your answer very soon.
Oh, M...I feel you, and I am sending you positive vibes and hoping you get out of that job soon. I've had jobs like that too...what helped me (besides leaving, of course) was a tip I learned from Barbara Sher...start seeing your co-workers as an anthropology project, or future characters in your novel.
Good luck!
The marvelous beauty of a sunset can put all of life's vicissitudes in perspective, and lay a soothing balm on our hurts and fears.
Wishing you good fortune in your job search :)
Oh, goodness. That job sounds hideous. I send you good blessings for the new job, or if not that one, an even better one. And I hope it's soon so you can quit and then gossip freely here about your current job. Or not. Maybe just put it out of your mind as if it never existed. Good wish, M!
isn't it incredible how nature can really put things into perspective for us. suddenly we can see what really counts in the grand scheme of things.
your work will sort itself out before you know it. i empathise so much as this is how i feel most of the time at my place of work and i too can't wait to get out of there.
having faith in yourself can be so difficult sometimes, yet i am sure deep down you can drag it out from the depths at the darkest times. you have some beautiful people around you who love you, because you have so much to give. you're creative, considerate, intelligent, kind and witty.......so this only says so much about your employer that he doesn't tap into this. they are losing out so much with someone who has so much to offer. there is someone out there who WILL see it and who will realise how lucky they are to have you.
but yes the simplicity and beauty of life is the most important.
hugs to you, M.
It's grim when you hate going to work, really puts you in a funk for each day. Something good and right for you will come up, be patient, in it's time.
Oh and by the way I agree with you on P&P, Mr Darcy, Colin Firth plays him better than any other actor. All man!
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