Wishing I was here- Mahana Homestead, Queen Charlotte Track, South Island, New Zealand. My favorite quiet spot on our travels. Sigh...Feeling a bit blah today- hormonal, tired from lack of quality sleep of late, sore muscles from exercising and sitting at this desk all day, wishing I was outside working in the sunshine (and feeling guilty about the weather not making me feel better). My negative voices and Critic are working together today and they have free reign to do their worst- I don't have the energy or motivation to tell them to bug off! There's a lot of anger festering under my surface lately. If you knew me well, you'd know I am not an angry person. (or maybe you can tell already!) I've only ever gotten mad at someone once in my whole 29 year old life (I yelled at my big brother to leave me alone, scared the crap out of him as well!). Even if there was a good reason to get angry, I've always avoided it at all costs. When I was little and my parents or someone would get mad at me, I'd vow to never make anyone else feel as horrible as I did in that moment. Hence the lack of anger being released for what is probably a very unhealthy amount of years! Now that I have finally settled down, its got a chance to bubble up and demand my attention. And now I'm not sure what to do with it. My mom suggested an exercise where I use my journal to hold a conversation with myself- ask me why I'm angry, what's going on inside and see what I say. I'm going to give it a go and hopefully find some closure or release or peace or whatever I am looking for right now. I always end up turning the anger towards myself, instead of my intended victim...does anyone else do this? I can convince myself that whatever I'm mad about must have been because of something I did or didn't do, or it's in my perspective and that I can change. I sometimes think I don't even know how to get angry, how to express it, to allow it to go through me and out again. What does it mean when we say to "sit with our feelings"?
My mood is self-explanatory, but that doesn't make it any easier to feel this way. I'm sure it will pass, but thanks for letting me whinge anyways! Need some TLC from my sweetie and a long slow walk in the sun after work tonight, maybe a hot bath too- that will help.
6 comments:
Hey, it was so nice to get your comment! Sometimes it's nice just to get a little re-inforcement from the big blogging world. I am majoring in English literature (I attend University of East Anglia here in England-have you ever been to Norwich?). I'm excited to read more of your thoughts. I know what you mean about turning the anger in towards yourself. I am a very non-confrontational person and have a hard time telling people when they have hurt/angered me. Good job getting it out, at least in this medium. ~Maggie
M, I get feelings of mysterious anger sometimes, too, that leave me feeling grumpy and unsettled, like I've forgotten something... what am I mad about again? And sometimes I can figure it out -- usually it's some menial frustration about not being able to do exactly what I want with my time all the time. But unlike you, I don't take the anger out on myself - I usually grump at my husband or dogs, and that's not good. I think your mom's idea is a good one. Curious to know how that goes.
hi M ~ so happy to meet you. my hubby is fro vancouver too. we will be visiting in a week i cannot wait!
i have been reluctant to post today (on my own blog) because of my crappy mood. must be the rain that is also contributing. but regarding your mom's suggestion.. i think journaling about it is a very good thing. i was in a journaling group. another idea... is to have a dialogue with the person that you are angry at. you write their responses as well (what you think they would say, not what you would WANT them to say). and you respond accordingly. it has worked for me many times. with the end result taking me more inward to tackle the things that i have control of and to not let things outside of my control bogg me down. just another idea. any way you are not alone in feeling crappy today. from my west coast to yours, i send you a big hug.
Oh how I hate the inner critic and self doubt combo...it is so painful! I hope the dark cloud passes soon.
I know anger can feel really awful but it can also be really useful. Anger is generally one of the first identifiable feelings and many stop there in their exploration. I think it is a sign to take a deeper look at what you are feeling and what the heart of the issue really is. I try to think of it as a symptom and method of identifying the real issue. Don't be too hard on yourself, being angry is human. I think your amazing that you don't let it cause you to treat others poorly like so many of us do, instead you are mean to you. Hopefully you can learn to be kinder to yourself as you walk through the process of understanding your feelings.
I love your mom's idea, she sounds fabulous, that must be where you get it!
I think your mom's idea is a good one...you might be processing something from a long time ago.
As far as sitting with feelings, I always take that to mean that we just allow ourselves to feel whatever we feel, without arguing with it, or trying to convince ourselves we DON'T feel it. Just sit and try to be honest with ourselves.
I am so feeling you today, girlfriend. I hope your journal bears fruit.
Here I am reading your words and I just received a comment from you that you are on my blog. love it...
like we are having tea together.
how i can relate to this - the fears of letting out the anger - because what would happen if we really did it? the fear may be that it would never stop. this idea of jounaling is so good. and michelle's tips about art journaling are great. i am getting ready to start one myself. a way to tap into the creative while getting how you feel onto the page.
i hope that you did get some TLC and sleep and that you do feel better today.
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