Whatever you think you can do or believe you can do,
begin it.
Action has magic, grace, and power in it.
-Johann Goethe-
I've been flying all morning...could be the sunshine, could be the birds waking me up, could be the caffeine and chocolate chip cookies I brought in this morning (homemade by moi!), could be the fact that R + I are getting 2 pay checks this week, could be getting to read my favorite blogs and finding more (once again), or it could be that I have this unbelievably strong feeling that things are changing. I think I'm more in tune with the seasons and nature than I realize sometimes, but with spring coming, I feel a sense of renewal and excitement. And I love it! Anyone else sensing this too?
I find my mind bubbling with ideas all the time, for everything from journaling to trying new creative endeavors to writing ideas to dates with my Sweetie to things I need/want to do to happy thoughts and on and on. I usually have a mind full of fear and anxiety and uncertainty and self-doubt and issues, so this is a nice change. Not to say that all those negative thoughts are gone, they're just adjusting to having other ones in there too. Could be a battle brewing! But I'm ready for it this time! (Please remind me if I forget ok?!!) I'm obviously processing something deep inside myself, something I cannot recognize yet, but so far so good. I'm looking forward to seeing what it might be.
Work feels better today. I know that with us both working, I have released some of the pressure I was placing on myself and I don't feel like I'm trapped anymore- all of sudden really. I had a hard week last week, one of those rare ones that knock the motivation and inspiration out of me and make it very hard to sit here. But after reading all of Refuse to Choose, I know I'm of a different breed than those around me in this office and that's ok! (That was a long time coming!!) I can use my time here, in my "Good Enough Job" and learn about things I've wanted to for ages (still making a list, I'll share when I'm done), continue to explore my newly discovered creative side, share ideas with all of you and my email buddies, read new books of fiction and non that I'm interested in (even while I'm sitting here at my desk- bit cheeky I'm sure), work on making contacts with others in the artistic and education community in Vancouver and around, as well as work on finding myself an even better job. I can even accept that working in administration may be my best route for now, but that doesn't mean I can't work in an art school or a university office or somewhere that works with children or for a charity, right? I honestly believe my career may never be the center of my fulfillment and inspiration- I will get that from my all the other aspects of my life. I need to have goals and be learning something new in order to feel energized, so now I'm going to ensure I make room for these- even while I'm sitting here doing a "monkey's job". So I can actually be grateful for a position that sometimes makes me want to scream or run away and hide!
It's amazing how a bit of change in perspective can be so uplifting and freeing. On the other hand, I'm scared to have actually said out loud that I am ok, that I accept- scared that now something negative will try and swallow me up. Does anyone else do this too? The ongoing lessons of learning to let go, to live in the moment, to believe I deserve a good life, and to feel good enough...my "issues". Oh well, for this moment, I'm content and this is the only moment that matters. Right now.
6 comments:
yes, i've had that feeling (last few months, and i even blogged about it) that i'm just on the edge of somthing big. something inside of me. something that was about to leap out and make itself known by sreaming out loud with joy! and like you, that thing was my art. it's a great feeling to be on that edge. your possibilities seem endless and they are! keep going....enjoy that sense of rebirth that the beginning of spring brings with her breath of fresh air.
Nice uplifting post! So glad to hear someone having such happy thoughts, going through positive change. Yay!
well darling...if the negative does indeed begin to swallow you up, you have this post to come back to and help you center yourself again.
i can feel the life bubbling out of you from here.
so many juicy thoughts and ideas and inspiration from your dear self. thank you for that.
glad to read that you are doing so well!!
sorry I've been MIA - will respond soon!!
what an amazing litle ray of light this post was to read!!
I am in the exact opposite spot today and you have inspired me to just turn it around.
Thank you for your warm and joyful energy!!
I can feel your enthusiasm and I'm trying in vain to reach through the screen and eat it up for myself. Because I am in the opposite place--swallowed by the darkness and just generally miserable.
I love Barbara Sher too. I actually had a private session with her a few years ago--she is amazing!
And working at a university is like heaven--that was my Cool but Aimless Job, and to say I ADORED it is an understatement. I only quit because I moved. I was taking classes, using the university libraries, and going to the lectures all the time. *sniff* I miss it.
Anyway, I am SOOO happy you are excited. I'll be here to remind you if you forget.
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