Brainstorming (or a stormy brain?)

I arise in the morning, torn between

a desire to improve the world and

a desire to enjoy the world.

This makes it hard to plan the day.

-EB White-

This is what my head feels like this week...blocked and all fuzzy and I don't even have a cold!! Too much thinking going on! But like the photo above from our year in New Zealand, beauty is everywhere, no matter what's going on right in front of me! I went for a lovely walk on my lunch break today- its warming up out there and felt very spring-like. It helped that it wasn't raining either! It's amazing how clear things feel when I'm walking, looking at the flowers everywhere, listening to the children playing and laughing in the playground, breathing (relatively) fresh air. I needed it. I've been having a hard week, the kind that seem to creep up on me every so often. I feel a huge weight on my shoulders, one that's full of frustration, fear, anger, and annoyance...mostly directed towards my job. I try not to talk about work much on here because (a) don't want to get fired for doing it while I'm actually at work, and (b)I don't want to go into the negative abyss that wants to pull me in. The more I dwell on it, the worse I feel.

I'm very lucky to have a job, one that's helped us survive while R was waiting for his papers to come through, and one that allows me time on the computer to do this, meet you all, read blogs, and create. I have a "Good Enough" job, as Barbara Sher calls it, and want to try and be grateful for that. But it's hard, especially when I'm tired or hormonal or otherwise emotionally unstable. All my anger towards the world and my own life comes out against this area of my life, the one thing I have never felt confident or excited about. Ever since I graduated university, I've wanted to find a job that I enjoy, one where I can contribute something meaningful, and not just go to work and waste 40 hours of my week. I know so many people who hate their jobs, who suffer through it every week to meet their immediate needs, and I always wonder how we can change things so everyone can go to a job that excites them, means something to them. Obviously I haven't solved it yet! Maybe I'll just start having babies and ignore having to make a decision awhile longer.

I've realized I need to have goals in my life, things to strive for- however minor or simple. As long as I can see that I've accomplished something, I feel like it was worth it. (Not quite as simple as say brushing my teeth twice a day, but you know what I mean!) I also need to be learning something new- whether its facts about something or how to do something, it doesn't matter. My brain needs the exercise regularly! Maybe I can do a course online while I'm sitting here, something that really interests me or may help me get a better job down the road. Or maybe I could be doing some freelance writing or something- for travel magazines or youth magazines. Scary to even say it out loud, really, but I have experienced so much and I want to share it somehow. Or find a way to work with young girls and building their self-esteem. (Check this site out!! What a great idea!) I would like to handle this part of my life with more grace and gratitude than I have been, and to find a way to get a more positive experience out of it. Then maybe the feeling of dread that comes over me every so often will go away. Everything happens for a reason, so maybe I always end up in monotonous jobs because I'm supposed to be doing something else at the same time. Building a foundation while I have the security of a regular pay check. Any ideas?? Know any good online courses or websites that you love that I should check out?