Grateful Friday!

Happy Birthday to my two beautiful Nieces, Kayleigh and Lena!! The love the Incredibles, so this is for them!! They turn 5 today, it's too scary how fast time flies. I love hearing their little voices on the other end of the phone, and their giggles. I was so lucky to spend 6 weeks with them all last summer and am really missing them today. Still hard to believe my big brother, who used to torment me and was so annoying sometimes helped bring these two gems into the world! (I'd post a pic, but they aren't my kids, so not sure how their parents' would feel. So wish I could!! They are adorable!)

Today I am grateful for so many things:

• the beautiful sunshine
• my amazing nieces!
• my whole family!
• my friends in Vancouver- thanks for a great birthday party!!
• Kathleen- love how she makes me laugh and believes in me (thanks K!) check out her blog
• turning 30- it already feels great
• going away after work for the weekend tonight with R (cannot wait!!)- two days out of the city, by the sea, with my man, how wonderful is that!?!
• my tulips from Silvina, my friend at work, sitting on my desk
• reading blogs that inspire me and make me laugh
• my friend Kara sending me a beautiful sun catcher
• my new shoes- so fun!
• that my blisters are finally getting better and I am walking like a normal person again (you never realize how important your feet are until they hurt!)
• my R and how thoughtful he is
• my package of paper from Kim to help me start art journaling
• reading this amazing book- I love her writing, read it if you haven't!
• buying myself this book and having two strangers tell me how funny it is as I walked down the street carrying it- can't wait to start it!
• all the exclamation points in this list!
• the water delivery guys ending their strike, no more copper-tasting tap water
• that the sun is coming up so early, making it easier for R to get up to go to work
• all the wonderful blossoms around the city- on the trees and in piles on the ground, little mounds of pink beauty!
• that we're having wine and birthday cake at work today - three other people had a birthday this week too!
• that it's pay day
• going down to the beach after work- finally able to take advantage of where we live!
• having a great visit with my sister's husband on the weekend and being able to show off our city in the sunshine- he's totally hooked!
• getting some great ideas from my sisterhood for what to do while I'm at work, help me get through the days better

Have a great weekend everyone! Thanks for all your help!

Poetry Thursday & a request

birthday flowers from R!!

Mindful

Every day

I see or hear

something

that more or less

kills me

with delight,

that leaves me

like a needle

in the haystack

of light.

It was what I was born for -

to look, to listen,

to lose myself

inside this soft world -

to instruct myself

over and over

in joy,

and acclamation.

Nor am I talking

about the exceptional,

the fearful, the dreadful,

the very extravagant -

but of the ordinary,

the common, the very drab,

the daily presentations.

Oh, good scholar,

I say to myself,

how can you help

but grow wise

with such teachings

as these -

the untrimmable light

of the world,

the ocean's shine,

the prayers that are made

out of grass?

Mary Oliver

Once again, I'm not sure if anyone has posted this one, but I am falling hard for her work and this one felt good today. I can see why so many of you are a fan of hers!

I had a brilliant birthday yesterday, wishing it was my birthday everyday now! I got home from work to messages on the phone from my family, and got to speak with all of them as well before we went out for dinner. R brought me those beautiful flowers above, how lucky am I?!! They smell gorgeous too. Dinner was so fun, so great to see our friends altogether. I was feeling great about my life, our life, when I went to bed last night- we have great friends, live in a beautiful city, and have each other...isn't that what its all about??

I'm bored at work, once again, and would rather be somewhere else today. I'm just wondering, if you had 7-8 hours a day, sitting at a desk, with a computer at your disposal, to pretty much do whatever you want (within reason of course!), what would you do? I fear I'm wasting my life, that there must be something I could be doing to better use this time. A way to have the paycheck and health plan of my regular "good enough" job, but be doing something more with my life at the same time. Or am I expecting too much and should go find another job that at least keeps me busy, even if its not doing something I love? Any ideas or suggestions would be much appreciated- like your favorite websites, or things I can learn while I sit here. I'm just at a loss after surviving this job for the past 8 months. I'm very grateful to have it, to have a pay check and the stability of a schedule and whatnot, but I need a change and I need one soon!!

I keep thinking I could be writing, it's the perfect situation to, but seem to have noticed a trend...I love collecting writing exercises and reading about writing, but I never do any of the actual writing- what is that? I go to, but freeze up, get critical, and end up just writing in my journal about myself or my life. I want to get out of my own head for a change. I don't know if I think about being a writer because I enjoy it or because it's what people said I'd be good at or "should" do; I can't hear my own voice in there anymore. How do I find it again?

Or maybe I'll just find a way to be an art teacher or work with kids in a creative way. Always thinking of new ideas and possibilities, maybe it's time to stop thinking and start acting. Why does that scare me so much??

Birthday Reflections

It's here, my 30th birthday! I am a big fan of birthdays, love celebrating them and sharing them with others. I don't want to end up trying to hide them as I get older- I think it's one day a year when you get to be completely selfish and celebrated!! Anyone else agree or disagree?? I thought I'd take a minute to reflect on what my birthday has been and is to me.

I share my birthday with:
my aunt Susie (that's us in the pic above! couldn't find a better person to share the day with!)
Carol Burnett
Jet Li
JJ Audubon (the bird guy)

This day in history was the Chernobyl Disaster in 1986. (not a good one)

My horoscope for this year can be found here.

A few birthday memories:

When I was really little, I used to tell everyone it was my birthday and ask where my present was. One woman (who worked with my dad) actually went out and bought me something because she felt guilty!

We used to have our birthday parties in the big dining room on the floor on a bed sheet, like a picnic.

My 6th birthday was a disaster! I invited my whole class over and I ended up in tears several times. I think I even hit my friend in the head with a lawn dart! And those boys- they were almost as competitive as me! I couldn't leave anyone out, so there was over 20 of us.

My 12th birthday was brilliant- pizza party with my girls. We ate delicious cheesecake and it ended up all over the table and our faces from laughing so hard.

My 23rd birthday was my first overseas, in York, England. I was living with a great group of friends and we celebrated it for three days. Pot luck and presents, night out dancing, and a picnic in the park. It was divine! I had never had so much attention and I loved it!

My 27th birthday was my first I celebrated with R. We were in Melbourne, and I ended up in tears at the table. I was so scared that I was wasting my life by not feeling like I'd accomplished anything so far and so happy that we had found each other at the same time. I couldn't stop crying for hours!

30 is going to be a breeze! I'm happy to be out of my tumultuous 20s and into a new decade, a new perspective. I have no regrets about how I've lived my life till now- I've seen the world, graduated from uni, made incredible friends all over the place, found and fallen in love with an amazing, wonderful man, and we're settling down into a life of our own in a beautiful place. I am going to continue to become more creative and explore where that takes me. I'm going to become more active and take good care of my body and my mind. I'm going to continue to my search for work I enjoy. I'm going to ask for what I want sometimes, as well as for what I need. I'm going to continue to learn how to let go, to accept what I cannot change, and to love myself more everyday. I hope my thirties will be filled with children (ours I hope!) and travels and a new home one day, maybe even some visitors from overseas, a relationship that becomes a marriage and continues to amaze me daily, and a strong sense of self and unconditional love for myself. (Not asking a lot am I!!)

Our landlady (and friend) and her son (he's 8) made me chocolate cupcakes as a present- too cute!!

Running for myself

Well, I did it- the 10km Vancouver Sun Run!! I actually ran 8.5km of the 10km and it felt great! I didn't expect to do nearly that much and was so proud of myself. I'm hobbling around today with blisters and sore muscles, but they feel like well earned war wounds. It was a gorgeous sunny day, R and I were joined by 50, 000 of our closest friends for a jog around our beautiful city. The official start was at 9am, but because of the amount of people, we didn't even cross the start line until 10:10am!! Plenty of runners had finished before we even started. We don't know our times yet, but I think I did it in under 90 minutes. I was absolutely amazed and in awe of the number of people, and from how many different walks of life they came from. What a treat to be a part of something like that! It was my birthday present to myself- to give my body a goal and an achievement, to show that I could commit to something, and to just laugh in the face of the big 3-0! I could've trained more, I could've worked harder, but I did what I did and I'm proud of myself. Well done!

We didn't even have time to shower or change before we had to head to the airport to meet my brother-in-law, who was here for a layover on his way to Taiwan. He changed his flight to spend some time with us and in Vancouver. I was nervous, having never really spent much time alone with him before, but it turned out to be a pleasant surprise all around! With my blisters, we were a bit limited in our activities, but we got to show off our home and walked along the beach and had a beer out on a patio on Granville island, watching all the boats and kayaks float by. It was gorgeous! He took us out for dinner to a great restaurant around the corner from our flat, wonderful food, lovely company, and a view to soak up. We could watch the sun setting over the ocean right from our table. R and I expected to be a write off after doing the run, but it all worked out splendidly! And I totally see why my little sis is so happy- he's a sweetie!

Haven't had time to do my Sunday Scribblings yet, hope to get to it soon, but I love how so many posts refer to the movie Chocolat in some way- how amazing is that film!!? One of my favorites for sure.

Grateful Friday

"One can get just as much exultation in losing oneself in a little thing as in a big thing.

It is nice to think how one can be recklessly lost in a daisy."

- Anne Morrow Lindberg -

What I'm grateful for this week:

• that it's friday!! so happy to see the back of this office for a few days
• that they're calling for a warm and sunny weekend
• that my 10km Sun Run (probably more of a walk/run) will be done on Sunday- woohoo!! (48,000 runners and counting!)
• going to the art gallery last weekend and seeing this amazing artist and this one
• buying a Tanabe print for our wall
• my sister's new husband coming to spend the day with us this weekend on his layover to Taiwan (where he's doing research about the formation of mountains for his PhD. in geophysics- I think?)
• getting to show off our city to someone who's never been here before
• R's football (aka soccer) team from England, Tottenham, playing a big game tomorrow morning
• only 5 more days in my twenties- how exciting!! bring it on!
• my new love for yummy homemade salads for lunch - love putting in craisins and nuts and cheese and red onions!
• going out to hit some golf balls with my R - hopefully!
• it's Shakespeare's birthday on Sunday - he would've been 442 years old; love his writing
• a sunny lunch break, reading my book and smelling the trees opening up
• going to the library this afternoon
• my parents' having such a busy social life!
• being able to enjoy the beach down the hill from my house!
• that Tom and Katie had their baby finally, maybe now we won't here so much about it (wishful thinking, right?)
• that Ace is gone from Idol
• crunchy baby carrots
• my finger nails growing- I must be relaxed
• next week being full of things to look forward to: my birthday on Wednesday, dinner out that night with friends, also being my aunt's birthday, my twin nieces turning 5 on Friday, and R and I going away together on the weekend- so much fun to come!!!!

Just found the best affirmation for me right now, adding it to my new daily ritual:

I am totally open and receptive to a wonderful new position, using my creative talents and abilities, working for and with people I love, in a wonderful location and earning good money. (from Louise L. Hay)

Have a good weekend everyone, hope it's full of laughter and sunshine and love!!

Poetry Thursday

Habitation

Marriage is not

a house or even a tent

it is before that, and colder:

The edge of the forest, the edge

of the desert the unpainted stairs

at the back where we squat

outside, eating popcorn

where painfully and with wonder

at having survived even

this far

we are learning to make fire

-Margaret Atwood-

I wanted to contribute a poem by a Canadian woman author to our Poetry Thursday Collection- Margaret Atwood is one of our better known authors. I was forced to read her books in highschool, so never really enjoyed them, but her poetry is a new discovery that I'm enjoying. I was searching for a poem about women and our uniqueness, celebrating that, but couldn't find one. Anyone have any ideas?

I've found that there are a lot of posts lately about being a woman, what that entails- all the good and bad stuff. We are pretty amazing creatures. Are we still struggling with our greatness because of the paternal origins of our society? Or is it something more internal, more invisible? I hate how hard we are on ourselves, how it's accepted for us to batter our own bodies and spirits- if someone else was doing it, it would be a catastrophe, someone would step in and stop it! But, we silently criticize ourselves, feel like we're not good enough, constantly question our actions and reactions- it's become a vicious cycle. Is there some way we can help one another to end this? Some way we can celebrate everything about ourselves, the dark and the light, and develop unconditional love for ourselves, spread it to the younger and older generations? I know I personally struggle with being anxious and a perfectionist and constantly being hard on myself, not living up to the impossibly high standards I have set just for me- no wonder I'm tired! I would never treat someone I love this way, so how can I continue to do it to the most important person in my life? And I'm not a mother or a wife yet, I can only imagine adding those titles and expectations into the mix. I don't want to end us being open and honest on here, we all go through hard days, but I want to find a way to help each of us feel safe, feel loved.

I'm at a loss for solutions, so am putting it out there for this community of brilliantly strong, artistic, magical, and authentic women to brainstorm and see what we can come up with!!! Here are some of my favorite words to get us inspired!

"Remember, Ginger Rogers did everything Fred Astaire did, but she did it backwards and in high heels." - Faith Whitttlesey-

"The history of all times, and of today especially, teaches that ... women will be forgotten if they forget to think about themselves." - Louise Otto -

"The truth is that our finest moments are most likely to occur when we are feeling deeply uncomfortable, unhappy, or unfulfilled. For it is only in such moments, propelled by our discomfort, that we are likely to step out of our ruts and start searching for different ways or truer answers." -M. Scott Peck-

What I Love {2}

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family:

Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one.

-Jane Howard-

Here's another installment of what I love about my life right now- always make me feel better to think of all the wonderful things I have! Today I'm thinking about how lucky I am to have such a loving, entertaining, and accepting family. We live all over Canada- my parents on the east coast in Nova Scotia, my big brother and his family in Saskatchewan, my younger sister in Alberta with her new husband, and my little sis out here on Vancouver Island. My mom's family (four sisters and all of their families!) are all over America, from San Francisco to New Orleans to New Jersey and New York, and then some. We are your typical North American long distance family- something I wish could change- either in the prices of airfares, or in the invention of instant travel like on Star Trek. I love getting all of us together, but miss that it doesn't happen more often. It's hard to encourage communication amongst all of our busy lives, but we do try with email and phone calls and letters. Maybe we can set up a blog?!

My mom was a stay at home mom until my youngest sister was 8. It was such a treat having her there for us, even if it was hard for her sometimes. She went through her own growth while I was young, doing self-help groups and whatnot, and has come out much stronger and with a better understanding of herself. She has always encouraged us to look within and not be afraid to be who we want to be. She's gone on to become a successful career counselor, getting to help people improve their lives everyday. She's always an inspiration to me and has been so good to all of us, including my dad. They still cuddle on the couch when they watch tv and have always been affectionate in front of us- it's instilled a strong sense of what a successful marriage means to me.

My dad is quiet and caring, with tendencies to worry - where I got it from I'm sure. But he always means well. He's been a teacher and coach at the same private school for over 35 years, and his whole life has been about his kids- either us or his students. That school is very very lucky to have him, even though they don't seem to recognize it often enough. My love of sport and learning comes from him. And I hope I can be as committed a parent as both of mine.

My older brother always faces life head on, with determination and strength. He's become a teacher as well and is a wonderful, loving dad who is very committed to his family. His has given us the gift of his wonderful wife and three beautiful, happy, healthy, and hilarious children! I can't get enough of them. He used to bug me a lot when I was little, but I've come to see how hard it must have been to be the only boy and the oldest in our house.

My younger sister has been blessed not only with the brains of the family, but also the determination to do something with them- she's a chemical engineer, working for Shell and hopefully changing the world. She's always handled things with a quiet dignity and strong determination to succeed without anyone else's help. Sometimes I wish I could get inside her head and see exactly what is going on in there! I wear my life and my emotions on my sleeve, she's the total opposite, which can cause issues, but we're learning who were are as adults and enjoying it!

My littlest sis is the fire cracker in the family. She's the one who's not afraid to get angry out loud or say what she wants- something I still jealous of. She has many 'youngest sibling' tendencies that can drive the rest of us mad, but they also give her her character. She too works very hard for what she wants and isn't afraid to take chances, even though she might look at it from every angle first and needs to talk it through- I'm the same way.

We are all similar in are love of being active, being determined, being recognized for our gifts, and for being close with each other despite our differences that we're still overcoming. I hope I get to spend more time with my grown up siblings over time, and be part of their growing families. I'm so glad I'm not an only child. (no offense to anyone who is, of course!)

I love that I can pick up the phone and call any of them whenever I need something, or just a supportive voice on the other end. I love that they love my R, that they have welcomed him into the family with open arms. I love that we got the chance to be together last summer for six weeks, to celebrate my little sis' wedding. I love that when I decided to go off traveling after uni (and the other times as well) no one questioned me or poo-poohed the idea- they just said "how can we help make it happen?". I love that they accept me completely and just want to see me happy, no matter what. I want the same for them, everyday. This is making me really miss them!
(Wow, my posts always end up being so long! Guess I have a lot to say! Thanks for reading!)

Colourful Life

These are the tulips I bought for myself this weekend to brighten up our flat. I absolutely adore tulips, they are my favorite flower, next to Gerbera Daisies. I love the colours, the shape, the simplicity of their beauty. I would like to have fresh flowers in my house always. Especially living in a flat three storeys up, away from the ground! Plants too. I can't wait to have my own garden one day- going to the nursery and picking everything out, watching the seeds grow, hands in the dirt. Lushness. Yummy.

Megg's post got me thinking this morning (thanks for being so honest, Meg!), about how I too don't want to write on here when I'm blue, afraid to scare people off or being too personal or falling deeper into the doldrums. I want to apologize for not being happy when I have such a wonderful life - what is that? But some days are just blue, I just feel "bruised", as she puts it so eloquently. I'm learning to accept this, that its only a day and I'm probably processing something and will come out of it more aware or with more understanding of myself and others. I always want to change things about my moods, about my actions, about myself, but I am learning that it's not about self-improvement- it's about self-acceptance and unconditional love. I've had an epiphany about this and have decided that it's time to move from trying to fix myself all the time to simply accepting who I am, how I act and react, and go for the unconditional love of all of me instead. There are things I would like to include more of in my life- yoga, long walks after work, helping others more often, more creativity, smoothies, artistic journaling, time with friends and family- because I know they make me happy, but I don't want to fix anything anymore. I've started to hear negative self-talk coming out of my mouth lately, not just going on inside my head- definitely a good time for affirmations.

I'm going to follow BoHo girl's lead and do some daily affirmations in hopes of bringing more acceptance and understanding into my own life. I get shy when I try to say positive things about myself- I learned young that you do not toot your own horn, for any reason. Especially when you have 3 other siblings. Now, I don't even know how. I definitely know how to put myself down, to play small, to hide any successes- I think I've even developed a work life that is quiet and unchallenging for that reason alone. It's safer to be under the radar. I'm relishing being settled at the moment, though, having some stability in my life, time to work on my self-love and figure out where I'd like to work- then I can move onto something more than reception.

Things I'm loving right now:
- this book, even though I didn't expect to!
- this CD, still!
- our new living room furniture and photos on the wall
- that I'm sleeping well again
- this book waiting to be read
- this movie coming out soon!
- getting to write in these!
- the big 3-0 next week for me- birthday dinner with friends and a weekend away with my Love, can we say excited?!!

Sunday Scribblings

(my little sis Jill, me, and Rich on a tiny ferry in False Creek)

This week's prompt was "when we were wee...":

My older brother and two younger sisters and I were lucky to have had the chance to grow up in a magical house. It was a hundred year old house on the campus of the private school where my dad taught (still teaches, over 35 years!!). It was room enough for all 6 of us and had plenty of character in its walls. The high ceilings were my favorite - 10 foot downstairs, 7 foot upstairs. I lived there for my first 18 years and it is part of who I am. My room in the front with the roof of the porch to sit on. Sharing a room with my sister when our little sis was born. The storm windows we kept in the basement to put up every winter, along with the plastic to keep out the drafts. The huge banister to slide down when we couldn't get caught! The sliding doors that came out of the wall between the living room and play room, but which we rarely closed. The great trees all around us to climb for days on end. The huge windows downstairs, all the light they let in. Living in the quiet and security of the campus- we could play outside at anytime of day for hours and no one had to worry; we were always with in shouting distance. Being lucky enough to have a soccer field out my back door to practice on for endless hours. Our tree house on the edge of the woods. Being able to go on adventure walks through the woods and see the pond and get close to nature. The scary basement with two secret rooms where mom hid our Christmas presents- she knew we'd be too scared to go looking! The servants' staircase up the back way from the kitchen to the baby's room- I always showed it to my new friends, a tourist attraction. Our huge attic full of boxes of old toys and books and clothes- so much fun going up to look for something! The big bookshelf full of National Geographics. My dad singing (badly) to all his favorite records, wearing big earphones. Sitting on the corner closet in my own room, up high, talking to my favorite stuffed animals about life. Helping mom paint various rooms throughout- the huge hallway with ceilings so high no one could reach, not even with a ladder. Building snow forts in the driveway. Falling out of the tree out front and breaking my wrist, again. The gigantic Christmas trees, too tall even for this place! Raspberry bushes and a big cherry tree out back. My mom's huge gardens year after year- the tractor coming in to till the soil, that's how big. Out weeding with her after dinner in the summer. Eating "strawberry greens"- have no idea what their real name is! Our "sandbox" which was really just a hole dug out and filled in every year with new sand- also used as a catbox by our two cats! Fireplaces in all the rooms, but only one working. Chimney fires that scared me to death. The blue wall in the spare bedroom- a deep royal blue. Having to go down the tiny, rickety staircase to the basement to do the laundry. Waiting outside the door to go in and open our presents on Christmas day- waiting to make sure Santa wasn't still in there. The piano in the playroom, playing whenever I got a chance, duets with my friends. Playing school in the kitchen with my sisters. The old dishwasher where you have to list the lid up like a hood on a car. The old fashioned bathtub with the claw feet- I want one of those in my house someday!! For some reason, I remember every single doorknob, even now, 12 years after we moved out. All the love inside that house- probably why we needed such a big place! It will always be my home, even though my parents live down the hill now and even though I have my own flat with my Love- it will always be my home.

Had an interesting weekend- great fun with my little sis, Jill, Japanese restaurant and improv comedy theatre at Granville Island- the coolest place in Vancouver! We got to watch her play rugby on saturday and froze our butts off in the unnecessary cold weather. It was good having someone different here, to go try new cafes and find a couple good places for lunch and coffee- I've been searching for a cafe to go read and write in, and with Starbucks being King here, its been hard to find anywhere. She was gone too soon, but it was still wonderful to see her. She's moving to Ontario in September for a year to do her Education degree, we'll miss having family out here, but she'll be back!
Sunday, I tried to go shopping for jeans and only ended up on the verge of tears with frustration. I miss England so badly when I try to go shopping. They don't make clothes for short legged people, and I always find I struggle with the styles here. I never had a problem in England- they always had stuff I loved, so simple, shopping was fun and easy and I miss it terribly. Even R was having a hard time and he's the ideal body type- it didn't help that the sales people were snobby and so not helpful. I did find two brilliant pairs of shoes though, so I'll post them up here soon, forgot my camera cord today. I also got my first Moleskins!!! Can't wait to start using them. It was hard to be me and I think I'm still recovering today- made me want to stop eating forever, but I do so love food! Where do you like to buy your clothes?
Another question- what are your favorite healthy snacks?? Need some new ideas.

Poetry Thursday/ Grateful Thursday!

After Awhile

After a while you learn the subtle difference
Between holding a hand and chaining a soul,

And you learn that love doesn't mean leaning
And company doesn't mean security,

And you begin to learn that kisses aren't contracts
And presents aren't promises

And you begin to accept your defeats
With your head up and your eyes open,

With the grace of a woman,
Not the grief of a child

And you learn to build all your roads on today,
Because tomorrow's ground is too uncertain for plans
and futures have a way of falling down in mid-flight.

After awhile you learn that even sunshine
Burns if you get too much

So you plant your own garden and decorate your own soul,
In stead of waiting for someone to bring you flowers

And you learn that you really can endure...
That you really are strong
And you really do have worth,
and you learn and learn...
With every good bye you learn.

Veronica Shoffstall 1971

I think someone has probably already posted this poem, but it is one of my all time favorites. It always finds a way to speak to me, no matter what mood I'm in. I've given it to many a girlfriend as a present and now share it with you! I love the line about decorating your own soul...wow.

Since its a short work week and I still don't have a computer at home, I'm going to do my Grateful friday list today instead!
I am grateful for:

• a short work week!!! love long weekends!
• mangos
• my new banner on my blog!
• reading this book this week - Love SARK!!!
• my R for making me laugh when I really needed too
• getting over my cold quite quickly
• my colourful umbrella- it's raining again
• time this weekend to get our flat in order, put up our new things
• pay day today!!
• getting to go shopping for clothes and stuff just for me
• going to get my haircut finally
• bagel, banana and peanut butter sandwiches
• Easter candy and chocolate- yummy
• getting to talk on the phone to my 4 year old twin nieces- so cute and so funny!
• looking through our travel photos, all the memories flooding back
• a change in perspective
• some serious reading time this weekend, watching the rain outside
• Bucky getting booted off Idol - finally!
• "The OC" being on tonight - I'm such a sucker for cheesy teenage drama
• meeting new blog friends - Maggie and JoJo
• Debbie the Accountant coming into work today - so much more fun when she's here!

I hope everyone has a lovely Easter weekend, celebrating in some way that spring is finally here!! Go see some flowers, eat some candy, watch the kids playing in the park, something! I probably won't be back till Monday...can't wait to have our own computer. Soon!

Thank you, sweet Denise!

Just wanted to say thank you out loud to Denise for doing me up a beautiful new banner!! It was a workout trying to figure out how exactly to get it to work, but think I figured it out. Computer language baffles me, I don't know how programmers do it all day long.
(ps- I fixed the other issues, yeah! Getting smarter all the time!)

What I love...

After my post yesterday, I've decided to spend sometime on here reflecting on the things I love about my life. Time to get out of my own head and see what I am blessed with. Today will be about my fiance, Richard. This photo is us on top of the Tongariro Crossing in New Zealand- on top of volcanoes! (A big hike I'll go into on another post!) We met in Sydney, Australia almost 4 years ago- we were staying in the same backpackers youth hostel. A bunch of circumstances and silly coincidences kept bringing us together until I realized I couldn't get enough of him! I fell for him the second I saw him dance, saw him smile, when I saw him and his best friend writing in their travel journals. We experienced a whirlwind couple of weeks together before he and Dan left to drive around the country. Luckily, they had invited me to meet up with them along the way! Saying goodbye that first time was so so hard- gut wrenching tears in the shower after they'd gone. But I knew it was far from over. I knew I'd found the man I wanted to be with forever. No doubt what so ever! Amazing how people always say that happens, you just know, but I didn't believe them till it happened to me.
I met up with them a month later in South Australia and the three of us spent the next two months driving around that beautiful and amazing country. (and no one seemed worried I was jumping in a car with two complete strangers either!) Rich and I slept in a tent while Dan was on a mattress in the back of the Falcon. We got to know so much about each other in such a short time that I knew there was no turning back. I'd found someone who loved to travel as much as I did, someone who loved music and football (aka soccer) and sport as much as me, someone who could make me laugh for hours on end. The similarities in our thoughts and passions were unending, as well as how we dreamed of living our lives. I was in love with him in minutes- something I had never experienced before. The first time I felt complete and absolute acceptance. The first time I felt like my heart was going to burst every time I thought about him or talked about him. The first time I felt love in a look, in a touch, in a tone of voice. I felt safe, beautiful, funny, interesting, Loved. And it's only continued to grow into something more amazing everyday! Wow, this is so hard to put into words, even getting a bit emotional thinking about him. He is such a good friend, so honest and open, so real, so alive, so beautiful, so supportive, so understanding, so creative, so smart, so strong, so wonderful with my family, so funny, so so so...sigh.
One moment that sums it up was when we were in the car, after only being together on the road for less than a week. R was driving, I was in the passenger seat, and Dan was in the back. I asked Dan what he was thinking about, he said he was busy writing his best man speech for our wedding. Little did I know how right he was! Brilliant!
We've been able to travel the world together, survive being apart for long stints (3 months at a time for a year!), moving to a new city, family reunions, climbed mountains together, learning how to love and be loved. We've experienced so much already, I can't wait to see what life has in store for us! (knock on wood of course!) Life has been better because we are together, in every single possible way. I am so grateful, so lucky, and oh so happy. I wish you could meet him! Or see my face when I'm with him!
What do you love about your life? Feel free to share on here or on your own blog! Let's put out some positive vibes!!

Need a break!

I'm tired.

I'm tired of being inside my own head all the time.
I'm tired of feeling like I'm under my own microscope.
I'm tired of a mind that goes a 100km/hour with thoughts all the time.
I'm tired of the fear.
I'm tired of the constant search for the perfect job, how it consumes my thoughts all the time.
I'm tired of worrying that I'll be stuck in a job that means nothing to me.
I'm tired of boredom.
I'm tired of always questioning- myself, my actions, the world.
I'm tired of feeling fat.
I'm tired of not feeling good enough.
I'm tired of always saying I'll do that later.
I'm tired of thinking that once I fix a certain aspect of my life, I'll be completely content.
I'm tired of how that certain aspect is something different all the time.
I'm tired of not feeling satisfied.
I'm tired of feeling lazy, indecisive, and scared.
I'm tired of putting myself down, of not loving myself unconditionally.
I'm tired of thinking about myself all the time.
I'm tired of being unhappy in my work, but not doing anything to change it.
I'm tired of checking my email all the time.
I'm tired of deciding what to have for lunch, for dinner.
I'm tired of wearing the same clothes all the time.
I'm tired of this job not satisfying me.
I'm tired of not being able to just be happy exactly where I am(because it's pretty amazing!)
I'm tired of being so far away from my friends and family, of missing their lives.
I'm tired of feeling angry.
I'm tired of writing here about growth and enlightenment when I lose those feelings as soon as I log out of my blog.
I'm tired of being afraid to say what I want for myself.
I'm tired of being afraid of illness and losing someone.
I'm tired of letting this negative, critical mind take over.
I'm tired of holding on so tightly, in case the bottom might fall out.
I'm tired of not knowing how to let go, not trusting enough to let go.
I'm tired of the monotony of my work life.
I'm tired of trying to come up with a Solution.
I'm tired of biting my nails.
I'm tired of the uncertainty and not knowing.
I'm tired of not being able to simply accept.
I'm tired of wondering what the right choice is.

I would like to be able to turn my mind off for one day, just to have some peace and quiet and contentment. Anyone know where the switch is? Sorry to be such a downer, but this where my head is today and I needed to get it all out. I would like to learn how to let go and celebrate my life for what it is, instead of constantly questioning everything, always thinking. I just feel exhausted from struggling against 'it' all the time- I need to learn to go with the flow more often. See, I'm always trying to be something else, never just happy to be Me and where I am. Hence the world traveling and transient lifestyle I've lived up till now. Sitting here all day, with no one to talk to but my computer and the phone when someone calls, gives me too much time inside my own head. Does anyone else find too much time alone detrimental to their self-worth or is this just me?
Time to remember what I love about life, what sorts of things make me happy, keep me motivated and excited about living. What gets you going?? What are the moments where you feel most yourself- content and accepting and alive? Needing some input from my wonderful world of bloggers, please and thank you!

Sunday Scribblings on Monday

I've decided that I have to write my post first before I go and read all the wonderful and brilliant things written by all the other participants in Sunday Scribblings. It gives my Inner Critic too much fuel to try and fight my writing, not a good thing! I'm going to work through it this week, but hope to make it easier on myself next time!

Real Life felt like something too big for her, something to be avoided. It meant responsibility, commitment, choosing one way or the other, monotony- didn't it? It gave her a sense of foreboding, not a sense of freedom. If I let life become Real, will I do it wrong? Will I have to conform to what everyone thinks I'm meant to be? Will all my own choices be thrown out the window?
Real Life was what was waiting for her after she walked across the stage to receive her university degree. She wanted to slow time down, make that walk last for years- impossible. It suffocated her as it closed in and a decision about "what to do next" loomed on every horizon. Why did everyone else seem to know what they wanted to do, know where they were going to be? What is wrong with me, she thought.

Maybe if she packed her bags and flew to a far away land, she would be able to keep the responsibility at bay, the boredom on the outskirts of daily life, and stay excited about being alive. She wasn't grown up enough to handle the responsibility of loans, of finding a career, of being decisive. This was a much more attractive alternative- run away. And have a chance to be whomever she wanted, outside her comfort zone, away from any recognized expectations.

She got on the plane in a cloud of tears and terror of what waited for her on the other end, but deep down, she knew this was the absolute right decision for her. Screw responsibility, Real Life is going to be about something else now! It will be about finding herself, seeing new places and meeting new people, tasting a new way to live. It will be about being happy in the moment, about cherishing differences. It will feel light and colourful, not stale and insistent. It will be about choosing to live the life she wants, not fitting into the box that others want for her. It will be a transient life, one full of adventure and risks. It will fill her with meaning, purpose, and validation. People will no longer see her as someone who can't be responsible. They will see her as a world traveler and be in awe of all she has done. She will be successful, strong, and inspiring. And people will finally stop asking her "what she's going to do with her life".

Little did she know, Real Life can be whatever It wants to be, no matter how fast or far you run or how hard you try to mold it- Real Life is every moment, no matter where you are.

I could have written so many different things from that post, does anyone else find that? Once you get started, the flood gates open and the possibilities for interpretation are endless??!

Poetry Thursday/ Grateful Friday...again!

Wow, how did it get to be friday again already!? I was off sick yesterday, a day alone doing nothing, was heaven really. I am feeling better, not 100% but getting there. Looking forward to a quiet weekend, hiding from the rain, lovely.
My poem for this week comes from my aunt who is a published poet who lives in San Francisco and is currently the President of California Poets in the Schools program. I actually got to spend some time in a classroom with her a few years ago as she worked with all ages groups to do poetry exercises, it was amazing! I had never really paid much attention to poetry before, but she had/has such a love for it that it was infectious. I especially loved reading the words from all the students- kids are incredible really!! I love how they view the world. Aunt Susie and I share a birthday, so we've been kindred spirits from day one, and I hope you get a chance to read more of her stuff or even work with the CPITS people at some point. Google her name and see what else you can find! One of her poetry collections is all about Chocolate! My kind of woman.

The Longing for Coffee

- the bitter

thick taste of it against the mouth

roof, the knowing

back of the tongue.

The black steam

rising silently, damp

cup warming the fingers, cheek,

bright, the bright-

eyes opening after weeks of rain.

The lashes stick with waking salt.

Veins and passages,

blood and sound clear.

Light pulls me inside, and the taste

is the crumbling edge from the acrid binding

of a book left hidden on a high shelf.

And after such longing, there remains holding onto

the departing warmth, then only the cold and

remembered grounds.

(from her collection No Easy Light)

Now time for my Grateful friday list for this week- I am grateful for:

• my cold getting better
• not getting sick that often
• having a day off totally alone
• the warmth of spring
• living two blocks from the beach
• my R making dinner and tea for me and giving me cuddles when I was pooey
• my little sis getting into the Education program
• getting to watch the new "Pride and Prejudice" again and loving it even more!
• that I'm finally sorting through some of my issues and having the support of my friends and Sisterhood to do it
• my friend Shannon getting a new job!
• vanilla roobios tea
• that it's friday!
• looking through the pictures from our summer with my brother and his wonderful family and my other sister's wedding and getting all teary with love
• how well our photos turned out for the living room!
• getting to plan more things we want for our home
• a nice quiet weekend ahead

Thank you for all your support this week, it is much appreciated! I feel so lucky to have found such a community where I am able to deal with anything and know I've got people rooting for me.

Lighter mind, heavier head

This is one of Louise L. Hay's Wisdom Cards, think its pretty fitting for this week- not only for me but for everyone! I've noticed a few posts on anger today, including one of my favorite bloggers, Andrea the Superhero. (She was the first blog I ever read, got me completely hooked!!) It still amazes me to read about other women dealing with similar issues all over the world. It makes me feel much less lost and alone. Thank you all for sharing!

And the comments on my blog from my gentle venting of yesterday were so appreciated. Knowing I'm understood- wow, what a gift. I did do the journaling exercise and I feel so much lighter today- like I have removed a weight I've been dragging around for awhile. It was an enlightening experience as well, bringing up many surprises. It felt good to be able to get angry at people from my past, who will never know- a compromise, in a way, with myself. No confrontation, but closure and release. I have a feeling I may need to do it a few more times to clear all my past grievances, but it was a brilliant start! And I definitely made some major headway. I found a lot of common reasons for the anger- like feeling used and taken advantage of, not being recognized as being good enough, trying to squash my strengths instead of celebrating them. And I allowed it to happen as well- not that I'm turning the emotion to blame against myself- I didn't know any better, but I learned from every single experience. Isn't that what its all about?? I'm going to write down all their names on paper and tear it up and let it blow away in the wind- or something equally as tangible- to let it go!

I've decided I don't have to be someone people can fix or extremely successful in order to gain attention from them. I can just be me. Loving myself unconditionally, like I am so lucky to be by R, is my goal from now on. Celebrating my gifts and quirks and ideas and even my issues and weaknesses. Not apologizing for who I am and the fact that I live life differently. Not trying to fit into a mold created by someone else. Feeling good enough exactly how I am. Just like all of my blog sisters are! I was afraid to get angry back then becasue I didn't know any better- I thought that was who I was, the version they had created in their minds. But I am learning, all the time, that I don't have to sacrafice who I am anymore. Wow, this is pretty big stuff. Might need some time to process through it all. I love blogging!!

I also discovered that part of my melancholy yesterday was that I was coming down with a head cold (hence the title). I thought it might just be allergies, but its become a bit more than that today. Stuffed up and a bit poohey really. It seems to come and go, but hopefully it won't be around long. I've only got two and a half weeks left before the SunRun, so need to be training. I've come to accept that I will probably need to walk some of the 10km, but I'll just be happy to do it. I just looked at the site- there's $45,000 runners registered already- holy #$@*&, that's amazing!! I've decided I'm going to do the Breast Cancer run in October too- its only 5km (I think) and for such a good cause.

Festering blah-dom

Wishing I was here- Mahana Homestead, Queen Charlotte Track, South Island, New Zealand. My favorite quiet spot on our travels. Sigh...

Feeling a bit blah today- hormonal, tired from lack of quality sleep of late, sore muscles from exercising and sitting at this desk all day, wishing I was outside working in the sunshine (and feeling guilty about the weather not making me feel better). My negative voices and Critic are working together today and they have free reign to do their worst- I don't have the energy or motivation to tell them to bug off! There's a lot of anger festering under my surface lately. If you knew me well, you'd know I am not an angry person. (or maybe you can tell already!) I've only ever gotten mad at someone once in my whole 29 year old life (I yelled at my big brother to leave me alone, scared the crap out of him as well!). Even if there was a good reason to get angry, I've always avoided it at all costs. When I was little and my parents or someone would get mad at me, I'd vow to never make anyone else feel as horrible as I did in that moment. Hence the lack of anger being released for what is probably a very unhealthy amount of years! Now that I have finally settled down, its got a chance to bubble up and demand my attention. And now I'm not sure what to do with it. My mom suggested an exercise where I use my journal to hold a conversation with myself- ask me why I'm angry, what's going on inside and see what I say. I'm going to give it a go and hopefully find some closure or release or peace or whatever I am looking for right now. I always end up turning the anger towards myself, instead of my intended victim...does anyone else do this? I can convince myself that whatever I'm mad about must have been because of something I did or didn't do, or it's in my perspective and that I can change. I sometimes think I don't even know how to get angry, how to express it, to allow it to go through me and out again. What does it mean when we say to "sit with our feelings"?

My mood is self-explanatory, but that doesn't make it any easier to feel this way. I'm sure it will pass, but thanks for letting me whinge anyways! Need some TLC from my sweetie and a long slow walk in the sun after work tonight, maybe a hot bath too- that will help.

Sunday Scribblings and beyond...

Even if our efforts of attention seem for years

to be producing no result,

one day a light that is in exact proportion to them

will flood the soul.

- Simone Weil-

I know I know, I'm late with my Sunday Scribblings, but I haven't got a computer at home yet. We will in a couple weeks, just not yet. So here's my first entry- I too did a five minute timed writing and tried my best not to edit it.

What would you attempt if you knew you wouldn't fail??

Such a loaded question, don't you think? The first thing that comes to mind is becoming an Olympic athlete, either in tennis or on the women's football (aka soccer) team. To be an elite athlete, to be able to commit myself to training everyday, working my body like that, would be a dream. Especially if I knew I was going to be successful no matter what. Or maybe I'd become a yoga or pilates instructor, using my body everyday and helping others find peace and health.
Next, I think about being a writer- writing artistic journals about traveling, about seeing and sharing the world. Or being a children's author, helping them learn about other cultures in a fun and creative way. Or maybe a travel Life Coach, someone who helps you leave your comfort zone and see the world, even if you just go outside your own town or immediate environment. or all the way across the globe! Or just be a photographer, sharing images of the world for those who aren't able to get there themselves.
I'd also love to be a vineyard owner and viticulturist, watching the grapes grow and mature into beautiful wine. Being part of nature and all its majesty, its wonders. Being able to work outside and have a product to show for my efforts, the efforts of those around me. I'd also love to run a b+b or an inn with my Love, somewhere that we're surrounded by beauty. Where we can share our love and awe of a place with others, bring them into our own creative circle and open their minds and hearts to a wonderful experience away from home.
I want to be a mom as well. A loving, calm, inspiring, interesting, energetic, happy, helpful, young mom with happy and healthy children. Or maybe a Montessori teacher, spending my days watching the creative minds of young people work, helping them open up to the world around them. Be a provider of an alternative source of education for kids who want more than the traditional cash-strapped school system can provide. Helping young people become more creative, more adventurous, develop a strong sense of self and understanding of humankind the world over.

Whoa, that's five minutes already. Goes by quickly, but there is a lot written there as well. It's amazing how many possibilities open up when you are allowed free reign, the knowledge that you won't fail no matter what. I did use "or" a lot, and maybe, interesting considering I'm not going to fail.
I had a great weekend with my R. We finally got some of our travel photos done, 8x10 in black and white and are going to put them up on our ever empty walls tonight! I cannot wait, they turned out so brilliantly! It's been a dream of mine to be surrounded by our photos of our many experiences overseas and now we're doing it. Makes me want to be a photographer as well! I'll take a pic to share on here when they're up.
The sun was shining yesterday and we actually got to sit out on the beach and soak it up. We walked through Stanley Park and up in Shaughnessy, one of the very wealthy neighborhoods of the city with our landlady- they are busy building a house up there. I love that its light later at night, but it makes me feel like I should be doing more things after dinner. Whereas before, it was ok to have dinner and sit and watch some tv, now it feels like I should be doing more. I hate "the Shoulds" in my life. Felt like I was lacking energy and wondered what I can do to find more of it- even with my running and the sun shining, I felt so tired by the time we got home both days!! What's that about??? Had nightmares last night about shouting out in my sleep and feel so tired today. Must have something to do with the time change. I know my stomach is definitely confused!!